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Confused by Rape

I would like to start by saying the recent rape is indeed all of my fault and i now feel completely disgusting and hate myself. And please try to understand where I’m coming from before judging me too badly….

I had a hard time with love and figuring it out. My grandparents hate each other, both my parents have had multiple marriages and multiple partners while in those marriages, and i had been introverted..

The first time i was molested i was 11 years old. My neighbors cousin had done it for a year before he moved.
The first time i was raped i was 18. I had never dated and i was still a virgin. The rape lasted 2 years before he was caught.

Now, and I’m not trying to defend this in any way, I’m thinking it has to do with rape being my only sexual experience, but any time after the rape i saw something on tv i would get turned on so i just assumed maybe i had a rape fetish. I felt absolutely disgusted with myself.
Not too long after that i was so ashamed i tried to commit suicide and almost succeeded. I was legally dead for 2 minutes. Not too long after that i met a man. We met online. Not too long after we met in person he seemed like he wanted to get intimate. I told him that i wasn’t quite sure how and explained my only sexual experience had been rape. He decided that meant i wanted to be raped and he attacked me. He raped me that night and i realized in my fear that i didn’t enjoy it. Not at all and that i was wrong. He continued to rape me every time he could and then i ended up pregnant. This is now only 3 months after knowing this man. His parents demanded we marry because i was pregnant and that was their religion. He promised if we married he would stop raping me, but he lied. Soon we were wed and i was still pregnant and he was still raping me saying he thought pregnant women were even sexier to do . Not long after i lost the baby. He continued raping me until i was pregnant again all the while issuing threats against me about having me committed if i said anything because of my mental health background. He said no one would believe me. One night after dinner i started not feeling well and decided to lay down. I woke up with my husband having really rough sex with me and choking me. I was strapped to the bed and had no way of escaping. The next day i told his mother what had happened. She told me to relax and that it was a misunderstanding and that he would never do something like that. He told me to my face that he drugged me and that he was going to do it again, but that i would never know when. It’s been about two years since we were married and at least twice a week i wake up strapped down being raped. Our sometimes he’ll just attack for fun. Now we have a small baby and I’m trapped by this man that hits, rapes and abuses me.


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