I never really considered myself a victim of rape, I still wasn’t sure whether I am or whether I’m just being sensitive.
The first time I was raped, I was at my friends birthday, I had been flirting with a guy all night and I was blackout drunk as I often got at this time in my life. It was in the country and a bunch of us stayed in the outside loft instead of the house. I slept beside the guy and remember kissing him in the dark surrounded by people sleeping.
The next thing I remember I was having sex and I said stop, pushed him off me and turned to my side where he continued having sex from behind and I pushed him off again.
The next morning I assumed that was all that had happened and he had stopped when I said no, and here is where I get confused.
I ended up dating the guy for a month, he told me on our first date that we had sex for about 20-30 minutes. I don’t know for sure but I think I was passed out. At the time it didn’t bother me, we were dating and I was infatuated with him.
When we stopped seeing each other my friend pointed out how rapey it was and asked did it not bother me, and then it started to hit me and although most of the time I’m happy, sometimes I remember it feel pathetic in my confusion because I don’t know if it even counts.
— Survivor, age 22
Dear survivor,
It is very common for rape survivors to date their perpetrators, especially in situations where they were unclear if what happened was rape. Your story reminds me of actress Joan Collins, who spoke about being raped at age 17 and then marrying her rapist. She speaks about her rape on camera as part of Brave Miss World. Please know that you are not pathetic for feeling confused. Your reaction is perfectly normal. Light and love to you, Alissa
if you said no stop or in any way made it obvious or implied that you didn’t want to do that with that person then that is on him and he didn’t respect your boundaries. It is not okay to just treat someone like a body. I’m very sorry that that person disrespected you. You’re strong for posting your story and you are not alone. Please take care of yourself.