Couldnt Damage My Spirit

I watched the Brave Miss World documentary and as a survivor myself I never thought to disclose what has happened to me publicly.

I had years of abuse with more than one perpetrator. I suffer from complex post traumatic stress I have bouts of it on and off for years and like Linor I found safety with Spirituality (God). It took me until I was 47 to finally reach out for help when my second severe phase of post traumatic stress kicked in. Because I had also been touched by a therapist and was afraid to trust anyone again..So Years later the effects caught up with me.

I left my place of employment and went to a hospital got lost in the corridor and crouched down like a child waited for some to come to find me as I couldn’t find an elevator or staircase in my state. When I learned that no one was coming to help me I got up and wondered around not really in my body and my mind blank, went in for observation (emergency dept.) and started slowly to deal with the pain this had caused in my life. I had been raped when I was a child not sure how old I was then molded and molested by a baby-sitter (female for at least 2 years maybe more. Memory lapses are bad in terms of time frames sorry (PTSD).

Then I was raped again at 16 by two or three men (not sure how many men.) None of which i reported.I didn’t see their faces. I went to a party a few days following and slit my wrists in the bathroom wrapped them up and left the building, only because someone wanted to use the bathroom. I have no idea what i used to hide the blood but managed to get across the street and passed out in a parking lot not far from the house with cars arriving to work..got up and left as if nothing had happened (became numb). I was staying with a family that took in C.A.S kids. I had not been in C.A.S. but had been turned away from my family as my mother would not let me come home. I this house my roommate invited me to go on a road trip with her and some boyfriend of hers which today I realize was a pimp to Hamilton and who had lured girls into prostitution but somehow i got away from them and came back home (Thank GOD). I then drank BBQ lighter fluid to try again. I was taken to the hospital and stayed several months in a ward, but did not tell them anything. For years just tried to move on pretend these things never happened and try my best to do what i can live a normal life. My first marriage my husband raped me and the counsellor recommended me to leave, my second husband physically abusive. I have not been in a relationship since.