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Date rape

To the one that destroyed me,

I think about you a lot. Maybe because we actually had a solid relationship in the beginning. You caught my eye, you pulled me in, I wanted you. You seemed so perfect to me and I was finally happy with you in my life. My eyes were always bright, my smile was real, my happiness stayed. I thanked God everyday for you.

You told me you were going away for training for the army at your school. I was sad, because I had just met you and you were up and leaving. We weren’t dating, but everyday I checked the mailbox excitedly awaiting a letter from you. I told my mom, I think you’re the one. She told me you might not be. I didn’t believe her.

You came home in November and I surprised you at the airport with a big ole welcome home sign. I ran into your arms. That same shin dig repeated a couple times later.

That night, you kissed me. I can’t even tell you how many butterflies I felt in my stomach at that very moment. That moment we began dating. Everything was great, we were close, had great conversations, and I felt great. You were there for me when I felt hopeless, when I cried over my dead grandma.

BUT…

You became demanding. You began pulling me into things I didn’t find okay in the eyes of God. You became very possessive too. You told me I can’t get pregnant doing what we did, therefore it was okay.

WRONG

Fast forward and things only got worse. I travelled back and forth to your school, but we became distant. After our first year of dating, there wasn’t much to say, but there was a lot you wanted to do sexually, that I didn’t. Our relationship was pointless at this point. I was told how to live, how to dress, how to act, and I hated it all. You undermined my depression, anxiety, and self injury. You told me to ‘get over it’ , because it was that easy right. ‘Snap out of it’ .. but I can’t.

IT WAS A FREAKING DRAG!
YES A FREAKING DRAG!

but I stayed…

I called you my freshman year of college. Maybe two weeks in, because I had been sexually harassed and I was scared. You blamed it on me. You said I wanted it and you didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

thanks for the support..NOT..

I fought for you. You came back to me.

We soon became sexually active. I didn’t want that. I knew it would destroy our relationship and it did. We weren’t ready, but we were clueless.

I flew to your school for a dance in March. We hung out, went to your dinner, dressed up. What a great night. We barely talked. It seemed as if any conversation we had, had been forced.

A week later you raped me. You wanted sex but I said no, because I was trying to be a better Christian. You didn’t give a shit. You wanted control and you got all of it. I laid there powerless. Are you happy with yourself? You permanently damaged me. I no longer want a relationship or trust most guys.

{{{while I should have called the police asap and broken up with you, I didn’t. I was confused and didn’t want to accept the reality that hit}}}

Three days later you broke up with me. You said you had been thinking of breaking up with me for a while. You had the intention when you raped me. You told me I couldn’t take this to court or you would sue me for lying. I didn’t. I listened, because of fear. I talked to detectives, the police, but there wasn’t enough evidence.. you got away with it..congrats.

While that’s traumatic enough, you hid from me the girl you were with when we were dating. When she came into your life, I don’t know. But she was your girl at school and I was your girl at home. I had no idea.

Thank you for teaching me (THE HARD WAY) what to look out for in my future boyfriend(s). You were a lesson to be learned.

7 comments

  • kayla
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