Dating & Relatives

I am not gonna say my age.

When I was 7, I was taking a nap from playing with my toys. Ya know like with the Barbies & Bratz dolls. My cousin was there with me watching me and it was just me and him. In the house. Alone. I felt uncomfortble as I was sleeping and I heard moaning. I also felt naked. Can’t really use any other word but naked. I opened my eyes to see my cousin on top of me. It just disgusted me to know that I had to go through that. After he was done, he gave me candy and said “That’s what cousins do.” I have had eating disorder since that day.

At age 14, in 9th grade, after my lesbian relationship that ended a 2 months ago. I have been dating a guy. Let’s call him Jason.
Four days in the relationship, I found out Jason was really sexual. So just to keep him happy I would do the simplest stuff like jump onto him with my legs around his waist. Let him grab and smack my ass. But at least to me things got harder. He started asking for more.

Ashamed because there’s still scares. One day, he wanted me to come over because he wanted to see me. When Jason asked me that night I had night mares. Night mares of him raping me. So I made up stuff just so I wouldn’t go through it all again. One day, Jason told me about him seeing his own friend die in front of him. Jason’s family letting him cut and not care. So I felt bad and every time I said “no” he said “do you want me to cut myself again.” So I did it. I let him do everything he wanted. There were days when he would literally have one hand over my mouth and the over in my pants. Just so no one could hear me cry. At the same time, he would wipe my tears like he cared. Every time I look back at those times I call myself a slut, weak, whore, bitch, anything to make me broke down inside. All because I felt bad and I didn’t want him to hurt himself. During that time a guy was messaging me and harassing me to talk dirty to him so I just did. Playing neutral was killing me inside. That was my cousin that raped me.

Finally one day I found myself away from the both of them. Now I am trying to find a way to run away from myself.