This is written to you and your friend who calls me a liar. You assaulted a girl so vulnerable, and if I could only say your name I would.
You took something from me that doesn’t seem so big to you or anyone else at that party. You not only took my virginity, you took the love I had for myself away. You stole my peace of mind away, and that’s something I won’t ever get back.
No one realizes this, but being a teen comes with the hardest moments of your life, and for you to bring a sudden fear of leaving my house, is disgusting.
I walk through this world wondering why this would happen to me. I wonder why I drank so much, I wonder why I trusted everyone at that party. You knew nothing about me except for the fact that I was vulnerable, so I’m going to tell you about who I was before you defiled me.
I was someone who always brought a smile to everyone’s faces. I would help anyone with any issue they had, and I wouldn’t expect anything in return. I was strong headed and no one took advantage of me. I was funny, my jokes would make even the saddest person laugh. And most of all I was trusting. I trusted people and gave them the benefit of the doubt. But this is what you stole from me. You stole my smile, my laughter. You stole my ability to help people. You stole my trusting personality. You stole who I was.
Now I read somewhere that there are two parts to a victims life; the person they were before the rape, and the person they become after it. I want to do good in this world. I want to succeed to show you that I am not a victim, I am a survivor, and this will only make me stronger. No matter what happens to you, I want to tell you how you affected my life. I want you to know the pain I’m in because of you. I hope that you know I haven’t stopped thinking about all the terror I could cause you, but I won’t do that. I wouldn’t hurt you, because that would only be bringing myself to your level. But I hope the fact that you have to live with this is enough to make you feel sick everyday of your miserable life.
Ps. I hope you and your friends read this one day and realize you hurt the wrong girl, because I will become stronger than you ever thought.
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Dear Survivor–At first I was heartbroken for you, and then at the end of your post I became happy and admiring !! The criminal did not steal any of your good things. Yes he hurt you and committed a crime and you are a different person now but everything you wish you can do — you can bring smiles, laughter and most important empathy compassion and protection to others. You can and will help others and do good, you will show them they hurt the wrong girl! Please do not forget that you are NOT to blame. A great mother ” Jolyn” wrote on this site that girls should not be blamed for just wanting to be normal teenagers and have fun. You are very smart when you say the criminal was looking for someone vulnerable – that is very common unfortunately. But your good things cannot be taken away and will not be because you are too strong! Also – remember part of healing to to talk to someone about what happened – a therapist or counselor – that is necessary to heal – stay strong and keep your smile forever!!
Man, this is amazing. I mean not the rape but the way you told this story. Not many people can say they came back stronger than ever, but you did. And you are right. Your rapist can’t take anything away from you. He can’t take who you are. Nothing can destroy people like you: people who hold on to that last bit of strength and they feed it and they watch it grow and change them and make them stronger. I love this. I love the way you picked yourself back up and pushed forward. I love the way you’re still pushing forward now. You’re so strong. I admire your strength and your courage in coming forward and saying all of this. You are so brave, you are truly amazing, ma’am, I hope you have a good night. You’re an inspiration to survivors everywhere.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It is so clear to me that there is so much good inside you. He didn’t take that from you; that you write about how much you want to contribute good in this world is such evidence of that even though you are in pain now. And I REALLY believe that you will succeed. But I also believe that you need to heal from what he did to you. I would really encourage you to talk to a therapist about what you’ve been through. They can help you work through everything you’re feeling and become whatever you’re striving for. They can help you open up to people you can trust and who will believe you (which, for the record, I absolutely do). You don’t need to get stronger; you are already so strong. Keep going!! Sending you love, Alexis