Death before birth

I died before i was born,
I know is sound awful but it is the truth, the pure honest and painful truth of my life.
The reason i always say i died before i was born, is because i don’t have any good memories of my childhood.
All i know is pain and sorrow.
I grow up living at my mothers house with my uncles who were never around and my mother was also not around as she was working, so basically i was raised by the nanny. When i was 7 years old i was brutally raped by the family friend, i never told anyone as i was scared and my rapist was also threatening me.
The worst part was that he was the most trusted person that my family have, they will leave me with him and that where he will do whatever he wants with me.

My friend would be playing with dolls and i would be sucking a dick of that sick busted.
and when my mother decided that we should move and stay with my dad, i thought oh my god finally, i will be free from this hell of life i was living, i was so happy, I was 10 years old then.

I tried to live normal and i tried to forget the past in the past, i swear i did my best to be normal but the truth be told i was damaged.and i blamed my parents for that, i blamed them for not protecting me and i hated them so much as a result at the age of 14 i went to stay with my grand-mother (my dad’s mother). there i was free from everything because my grand-mother was staying alone, so it was me and her all the time and from the first time in my-life i felt protected and cared for. My granny sometimes she would ask me why i don’t like to stay with my parents and i would say to her, it because i love you the most. but she beg me to resolve whatever difference i had with them, so i ended up moving back with them in order to fix our relationship.

At the age of 16 i was doing grade 10, staying with parents, i was already a teenage but i did not do what teenage girls do, i become more afraid of man and i was so unfair to myself as i start smoking and drinking alcohol in order to keep my self sane.when my father find out that i drinking he become angry and took the decision that he will be the one who will take me to school and bring me back. as he was doing that we become close.
I started trusting him and i was happy But my happiness was short lived as my worst nightmare begins, he started abusing me and he will go first and tell my mother that he saw me with the older man and she will believe him and they will beat the hell out of me.

He told me that i should let him enjoy himself and everything will be fine and when i tried to fight or stand up for myself, he will go and lie to my mother about me and she will beat me.
One day i told my mother about the abuse that i was experiencing under her roof, but she did not believed me instead she asked me not to tell anyone about this.

The abuse continue, and i told her again but this time she told me that i should threatened him with reporting him on the police, while she continue acting like she knows nothing.

I’m not allowed to have friends, no cellphone above all no life of myself, sometimes i feel like ending it all.
I tried escaping this by committing suicide but i was saved by the helper.

I’m 18 years now and honestly i have no dream of living and i have suffered so much as i have become numb to any pain.