I remember everything..I remember him screaming and his blows to my face. I hate him more than anything in the world. I feel as though he broke me. Till this day I can smell him. It makes me sick. As a young girl all I wanted was to my brother happy he was my, “best friend” or so I thought. He raped me and made me believe it was my fault. I used to be such a happy little girl even my own father said I came out smiling. Now, I can’t even smile without it hurting.. My own mother was abusive and walked right past the door as it happened and eventually left me. My oldest brother didn’t protect and my “dad” left. My rapist was all I had left for “family” I loved him. And he knew that and took full advantage. He took my innocence my childhood almost my life at points and damaged my soul for five years. I don’t sleep I have trouble with everything. To be very honest I hate myself, everything about me I hate with a passion. I look in the mirror everyday and see his face. I don’t even know who I am anymore..all I know is what he scarred into me..his words. Worthless. Nothing. Failure. Loser. Etc.. Till this day I remember and struggle..I’ve been in therapy for four years and its still hurts so much.. I’m losing hope.
— Sylvia, age 16
I know how you feel. I am going through something similar as you. Though my parents are still together. My brother also kinda raped me. If you’d like to talk sometime i am here.
Dearest Sylvia,
The scars that survivors are left with after years of abuse are very real. So much of the time survivors believe all the horrible things that their rapists say to them. Many rapists count on this. It is just one of many ways that they maintain power and control. Everything you feel is important to to express. It is your truth and it is valid, but I want you to know that it takes the most incredible strength to survive what you’ve survived. He may have tried to break you with his actions and his words for five years, but you survived. Every day of living with the scars is a success and a win. You may see his face in the mirror, but you are not him. You are so much more. It may not feel like that right now and that is okay. You speak of losing hope because it still hurts so much. I just want you to know that the fact that you came to the Brave Miss World website and shared your story using your name, showed so much bravery and hope. You reached out and shared your pain with a community that understands your pain. So in the moments when you feel like you have no hope, try to remember that there is an entire community here holding that hope for you. It can take a long time to navigate this journey and as you navigate it, I will keep you close in my heart. Light and love, Alissa ~ Brave Miss World Team Member