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Déja-vu

There is a place near my house; a theater. When I was young I used to go to this theater often to watch movies with friends and family. It was a very classic place for my neighborhood. Everyone knew this place and would always go there to chill or to watch new movies. But then one evening, my friend called me to go watch a movie at this theater and I remember feeling a heavy weight on my chest, my palms were sweaty, my vision was darkening, and my breathing was hollow. I couldn’t speak. I had this horrible feeling; as if I was drowning. As if someone was holding me down. I wanted to scream. That night I didn’t end up going. I stayed home and was confused about why I had freaked out so much. Barely a week later, I drove by the theater with my mom and the feeling hit me again. Like déja-vu. I get panicky and my throat closes and my vision is like a tunnel. I begin to cry and I yell for my mom to stop the car. I feel sore everywhere, as if I ran a marathon. There is pain in my tummy and I feel as if someone is holding my wrists behind my back. When my panic attack passes, my mom takes me to the hospital just to be told I am perfectly fine and maybe I should consult a psychologist. I did. The latter told me I may have repressed memories of horrible event/events that my mind has kept from me as means of protection. She kept asking me questions like who were my friends and if they had any boyfriends. And suddenly I couldn’t talk about my friend’s boyfriend. I was overwhelmed by the feeling again; like I was drowning or being choked to death. My therapist told me only I could unlock my memories. And so I went back to the theater, alone, at night because that’s how I thought it probably had happened.
They came in flashes. Like a dream except I was fully awake in this nightmare. I was crying, crouched in a ball.
I had been out on a double date. I was fourteen, so four years ago. I was a virgin, innocent. I had no idea how to even deal with boys. My friend and my date lived in the same area and so she gave him a ride home after the movie. My friend’s bf offered a ride back as I was using the bus. I remember he was sweet. Flashes of a very sweet smile kept coming back and a sense of security accompanied it. But he didn’t want to offer me a ride. He parked the car behind the theater and told me to get out. I don’t remember how I got out but then I was standing in the rain and he was telling me to get on my knees. I don’t remember what happened after that but then he was on top of me and he was holding my wrists down and telling me to be quiet. He smelled like wet earth. I was still and when I remember it I am angry because I keep telling myself I could have hit him I could have yelled. But I let him take whatever he had wanted. I let him choke me. I let him use my mouth and my vagina and my body. I let him ruin me.

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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