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Did He Rape Me?

I really need an honest answer, I just want to understand what happened. I feel guilty for calling it “rape” because people have such worse experiences than what happened to me. I’m sorry if this is long, but please bear with me.

Ok, this is the background…. I never wanted to have sex before marriage as I’m a religious person. I was 16 and unsure if I wanted to “follow” this religion. Anyway there was this guy, handsome, sporty, artistic and a bad boy… And I totally fell for him. We dated for a few months but I broke it off because I felt it was unfair for us to date if I wasn’t going to have sex with him. We both still really liked each other and would have kiss in the cupboard at school. However during one of our session, he suddenly slipped his hand into my underwear and bra. I panic and tell him to stop. He was really apologetic, and I forgot about it. A few days later he does the same thing except this time he puts his fingers into me… I’m so shocked and his mouth is over mine so I can’t say anything. He asks if I’m enjoying it, and I don’t want to disappoint him so I say yes. I felt so upset after that I let him do it. I convinced myself that I did enjoy it, so I let it happen a few more times. I would always get a sick feeling in my stomach from the guilt. I had no self confidence and was a confused teenager as I had been sexual bullied when I was 8, again at school. I told him one day to have sex with me because I had just lost all hope at my relationship with my family and with God. However I told him to stop half way through because I realized the mistake I was making.

Now to the actual day it happened.
I went to his house to hang out, his older sister was there all fine. Of course he starts kissing me and touching me. I try to diffuse the sexual atmosphere by going to get my phone from his room… And he follows me in. We kiss again, and he begins to take my clothes off. I assured myself it was fine since he knew that I was NEVER going to have sex with him again. I was being flirty, and he took that as I wanted to sleep with him. I turned him down, because no I didn’t want to have sex with him. But he kept asking me, and asking me, and asking me. It hit me that he wasn’t going to let me out of that room. The pressure was so intense I gave in. I cry thinking about it because I hate myself so much for being so weak. I specifically remember a moment where my leg slipped, he stopped moving, and I honestly thought he was going to hit me. He had hit his mother before…and then he suddenly thrusts as far as he can into me, and I wince at the pain. When I saw the look of satisfaction on his face that he hurt me. My heart sank in to stomach, it was as if I had become nothing. He didn’t even kiss me, he didn’t even care, all of this, for what? 30 minutes that would ruin my life?

I went home and told my parents everything, about him, about when I was bullied. But I still cared about him and made it out to my parents that I wanted it. I can’t believe that I protected him. Was I raped? What actually happened to me?

I’m in a better place now. I left school straight away, but I did get in contact with him again, I guess I wanted to hang onto the good memories I had of him. But I finally cut him off. I haven’t spoken to him for 3 years.

I am having therapy and I am on medication. And I have a strong faith which I can rely upon. I know in time I will get better, but I really need some clarity. Was it rape?

— Survivor, age 20

2 comments

  • Alissa Ackerman
  • Shreeya Gupta

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