I am 22 and I am a survivor of 2 sexual assaults.
The first takes place when I was young, perhaps around 5 or 6. My mum had gone out for the evening with a friend and so she had asked another of her friends to babysit for her. I remember being in bed, I shared a room with my sister who is 2 years my senior. We were in bunk beds and were in bed for the night. The next thing I remember is him coming in, he was wearing nothing but a red towel, I assumed he had just had a bath. He walked over to the bunk beds and opened his towel, he told me to touch him. The rest is a blur, I don’t remember him leaving that room and we never told my mum what had happened that night.
The next story takes place only a few months ago. I was recently out of a long term relationship and wanted to meet new people and make some new connections. I had started speaking to a guy online, he was a little older than me and he seemed nice. I agreed to meet up with him, I had texted him to tell him that I was not coming for sex, but that it would be nice to get to know him as I was looking for a relationship. He seemed to understand and I felt at ease so met him at his place. At the beginning, he made me feel at ease, he made me a cup of tea and we sat there just having a casual conversation. It was not long before he was putting his hands on my body and pulling me towards him for a kiss. I pushed him off and said no, I reiterated that I was not here for that. Again, he seemed to understand so I felt in no real danger. He then persisted to push himself on to me, his body felt heavy and it was increasingly difficult to get him to stop despite me telling him no. He pulled me over t o his bed, all I wanted to do was leave but did not want to anger him. I felt the only thing to do was to let him have his way, to ensure that I could leave safely. I drove home, I didn’t cry and I tried my best to block it out. I felt as though it was my own fault and that it couldn’t possibly be a sexual assault. No means no and he didn’t listen.
To this day, It is hard to not blame myself for these experiences but I have learned that sexual assault comes in many different forms.
No you did not ask for it. It’s hard to not blame yourself I know. My assault only happened just a little over 1 year ago and to this day I still question it my self.
As an outsider looking in I can 100% say that you didn’t bring it on yourself.
Like you said no means no. You are right in saying assault comes in many different forms.
Truthfully that man clearly didn’t care what the word no meant and unfortunately they don’t make their intentions clear at first because they know no girl wants to be assaulted. They just don’t have a conscience. Please stay strong! You’re brave to post your story on here. Hopefully other woman’s stories may help you in realising it wasn’t your fault.
thank you jess for responding, its hard to come to terms with these things but i know one day it will be in the past and it will feel that way as i will be able to move forward.
I am sorry that you had to go through an experience such as this and i hope you are healing!
We are much stronger than we or anyone else knows ❤️
Thank you so much for posting here. You absolutely did not “ask” for anything that happened to you. You said no. Even if you hadn’t said no, you NEVER CONSENTED. You’re absolutely right when you say that sexual assault comes in many different forms and it can be so hard to get your head around. I understand the instinct to blame yourself but it is NOT YOUR FAULT!! Not even a morsel of it.
I also understand not wanting to tell anyone but I would encourage you to try to. I hope that writing here has lifted some weight off of your shoulders and sometimes having someone to sit with you and cry with you, or just listen, can be comforting and reassuring. You don’t have to tell everything at once and you are in control of who you tell. But maybe starting with an anonymous rape crisis hotline would be a good way to start to verbalize it. Please know that I am honored to read your story and I’m sending you lots of love. Alexis
Alexis,
Thank you!! I am going to take your advice and speak out, I am currently in therapy for my mental health and talking about it there would be a safe space to vocalise and understand it a little more. Having other people tell me that it wasn’t my fault, really does help and gives me strength to say that, i’m ok and I can move forward from this.
Just thank you ❤️
This post makes me smile. You can do this and I’m SO GLAD you have a safe space to talk about this. Sending you so much love and support!