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Did I ask for it?

It is about three years ago now. I was in New York visiting my best friend. One night we were out at a nightclub after several of drinks. When we arrived at the nightclub we drank some more, and a guy bought me a drink. Suddenly everything is black. I do not know if i was drugged or not, and i have experienced blackout before, so it could also just be the alcohol.

The next thing i remember is that i was alone, without my best friend, because she had went back to the hotel. I was now with another guy, on the way to his car. Then i remember we flirted and i think we were making out. The next thing i remember was him over me, and that i got to my sences and did not want to have sex with him. I remember that i was so drunk that i just lay there at the seat of the car, asked him to stop. I remember that i just kept it going while i told him to stop. I was so drunk that i did not really know what was going on, until i woke up with panic, in my hotel bed next to my friend and screamed: “I ASKED HIM TO STOP”. I did not know what i was supposed to feel, or think or what definition i could categorize this in. I just knew that i felt terrified.

After receiving text messages from him every day after with “princess” and others, i had enough. I called him back, asked him what really happened, said i was drunk and he was sober since i drove, and he just called me weird, asked me to not call him again and refused it all. AFter that i received lots of text messages from him, threatening that he had videos of me, that i was a rapist, that he had lawyers in his family and everything. When i asked him what happened, i was totally calm. He was definitively not calm in his response.

I tried my best to just be on the trip with my friend after that, and tried my best to not have a panic attack every single day. So one of the last days we went to a bar with some more friends who came to NY, tried to be normal and not think about it. Suddenly, at the bar, right next to me, playing ping pong, there he was. In one of the biggest cities in the world, me and him ended up at the same bar. What is the coincident!? I remember i just frozen. Ran out to the front door while my friend ran after me, told me that it couldn’t be him, but i remembered his face all too well. She told me to come sit down and that it should be him to leave the place, not me. I sat down, frozen and afraid. I remember he just looking at me with a stone face. Looking at me all the time with no expression on his face, just a ice cold look. We left after that and i never saw him again.

The feeling i have had the last three years is horrible. I felt like shit. Like it was my fault. Like i “wished” for it, and that is pretty confusing.How can you think something like that, that you “probably wished for it”!? I know that is not the truth, and it is all in my head. But you always hear those kinds of stories that people tell, that the person was “overreacting” or “she is just lying”. I feel like i don’t deserve to be angry. Don’t deserve to speak of it like rape. But i suddenly feel like someone stole something valuable from me, and i have had a lot of difficult times since. I have been angry and pissed. But i feel like i don’t deserve it. I even feel guilty for hating him, because i was drunk and was “in it” at first, so i still feel like it is somewhat my fault. And i know that isn’t true! And i hope that one day, one day i know for sure that it wasn’t my fault.

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