From age 6 to 15 I was sexually abused. First it started with touching, then he would make me preform oral sex or he would get on top of me and try to put it inside but I was so little and that could risk him getting caught so he’d usual just rub his penis on my vagina to get off and tell me to clean myself up and to get away like he was disgusted with me. I allowed this to go on for 4 years because I was scared that if anyone found out I would be the one to get in trouble then I moved away for a little bit. 3 years later at 13 we meet again….. My parents invited him to a house warming we’d just moved back in the city, that night he crashed on our couch claiming to have got into it with his girlfriend so he just wanted a night away.
I didn’t think I was in danger my parents were home but I guess not since I woke up to a smelly hand over my mouth and my shorts being pulled off. He got on top of me and said “I’m gonna make this quick” then he just forced himself into me without any remorse and I felt like my insides were being torn apart…..
He put his hands around my neck and started chocking me to unconsciousness but before I would he’d loosen up his grip and kept doing it over and over until I finally blacked out. I woke up to him creeping out, I couldn’t move or turn over nothing it was like my body died right along with my innocence and childhood…. I was still a kid… An innocent child….
Next thing I remember is waking up again and crying for hours in pain. My parents checked on me and I just told them I was sick, how could I tell them? How do I tell my mom her daughter was raped? Or my father that his little girl had her innocence stolen from her and she was no longer pure? To this day I keep this a secret even after the fact that he raped me again at 15, he threaten to kill me and I believed he’s serious because he raped me with a gun in my mouth jokingly saying “don’t fuck me too good cause if I squeeze its over”. I prayed he just took my life from me then…. Yet I’m still her…. Digging my own grave of hurt & pain…. Slowly burying myself..
I don’t know how much more I can take what if he torchers me for the rest of my life? I’m scared, please someone….
— Survivor, age 18
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. First of all, what this man is doing to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not digging your own grave nor are you impure. You are so strong for sharing your story here and for speaking out. I would encourage you to tell someone what is going on. There are a few options for who but a therapist is often a good bet. It might take you a few tries to find one you click with but once you do, they can help you work through everything you’re feeling and – if it’s what you decide you want – help you tell your parents or someone else you trust. You don’t have to tell everything at once. YOU are in control of who you tell and how much you tell them. Please know that the world needs you, you deserve to heal from this (and I KNOW you can) and you are so brave and strong and I’m really proud of you for sharing here. Love, Alexis