I dated this guy for 2 years. One night we went to a party. Before the party we messed around. He told me that I owed him. We went to the party then afterwards I knew I had to give him head or have sex. I hated giving head. I thought that at least with sex I wouldn’t have to do anything. He asked if I was sure and I said yes. Then we went in the backseat of his car. I really didn’t want to have sex but I was so afraid of what would happen if I said no. He went inside me and the whole time I felt so trapped. I was terrified of what happened if I said no. He always got so scary when he was mad at me and I didn’t want that side of him to come out. At one point I said No. I remember a tear rolling down my face. I remember looking at him. He was still inside me. I didn’t know what to do. I was frozen, scared and confused. Then, I think minutes later but I don’t remember how long, he stopped. He apologized later. But then I brought it up a few weeks later and he told me no one would believe me anyway. Then a few months – 1 year later he attempted to rape someone while we were dating. He just looked at me and laughed. That night at the party happened early in our relationship after he told me no one would believe me I never brought it up. I pretended nothing happened. Sometimes I would tell him I didn’t want to have sex, but he’d go inside me anyways. It was so annoying! He was so much bigger then me! I could never push him off, eventually, I just stopped fighting. He used to like to play this game. He pretended he was a rapist and would chase me around his house. I thought it was stupid but I played along because he liked it. At this point I suppressed that night but then one time something changed. It was like I woke up. He was chasing me into the kitchen and I grabbed a knife. I blanked and I just saw him standing there looking scared and then I looked down and I had the knife in my hand. It feel so real. Anyways this is my story in a nutshell. Please don’t judge me. I told 4 people about that night. 3 believed it was rape and 1 didn’t. I’m just tired of feeling like I have to prove myself, you know? I wish everyone would believe me… People can be so cruel. I just want to get to a point where I don’t care whether or not people believe me. I want to feel like I don’t have to prove myself, censor myself or get attacked every time I open my mouth. People speak about things that happen to them all the time without getting blamed for it or being called a slut, a liar or crazy. Why does rape have to be any different?