For many a couple of decades I have denied to myself that a husband can rape his wife but I’ve always known that is exactly what happened.
He was angry that I’d been a “bitch” and that was all the excuse that he needed.
I am not sure I will ever be ready to force myself to relive what happened deeply enough to tell a coherent story about the events. What I can say is the that my mind remembers the most traumatic bits and the fear.
When he choked me and I started seeing stars I thought I was going to die that night. For me the feelings that have resonated ever since and resulted in my sense of shame was the fear he was going to kill me and yet I stayed with him for years after that, the fact I figured no one would believe me, and the thought that I was warned about him so it was my own fault.
I knew he was violent and not good for me because even at that point he had been verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive towards me. It is a sad state of affairs to have to admit to oneself that it was yourself whom you blamed and not the rapist.
I’m not even sure why I am sharing this now except maybe to admit to myself and the world that you can be raped by someone you are married to.