Don’t Want to Admit It

I meet him online. I built a friendship with him. Kind of a match thing except for younger people. The connection was great. I said let’s meet at a coffee shop. He picked the place. He was late to give me the address and I waited for him. Meet him and he told me after a while to go somewhere else. His personality is very confident and demanding, but I liked that he is very open. A friend.

After driving for two minutes, we ended up at his house. My instinct was confused. We went into his room, no one was home. He was trying to make me comfortable. I don’t like being touched. He hugged me and told me to relax. I “owed” him a kiss and as I reached to kiss him he turned his face and kissed my lips. I pulled away and he began to kiss me. Throwing me on the bed being forceful. I had red lipstick on and it got all over him. He left and took my scarf, I had a bad feeling that I didn’t want sex, if this was a date. I wanted to move slow and have a relationship. I had a feeling he was going to have sex with me and I didn’t want to.

He came back and keep kissing me. More and more force and I relaxed even though I was scared after a trigger exploded. He grabbed my breast moving really fast. Too fast for me. He laid me down kissed me with my clothes flipped me over. Took off my pants and panties. I remember closing my legs saying wait. And for the first time ever I was eaten out. I moaned to make him think I enjoyed it. Really I didn’t want to do this.

I gave him consent by being forced. I remember him touching me enjoying every bit of my body. And I was shocked lost. I remember saying no many times, and him continuing. I tried to push him off many times and he continued. He wanted me to give him oral, I couldn’t. I said I wasn’t ready. He told me to lay down and when I saw he didn’t want to use a condom, I said “Wait.” He smiled and pushed in me. It hurt so much despite him “warming me up.” He stopped and then continued turn me over and continued. I made it seem like I enjoyed it.

I sat there shocked. He began to talk to me, comforting me, saying he felt like he raped me but it was consensual. I sat there. Sore and shocked feeling like I lost my virginity once again. I tried to convince myself I wanted it. But I felt so shocked and emotions carried over. He didn’t talk to me, I made effort and to this day nothing. I seek him. He messed me up and I don’t want to admit I was raped.

I keep crying the week it happened. And I never told anyone. I only said why would he be a jerk and not want me. But I realized a week later, I was raped. And unlucky for me I went away with a friend. I wanted to let go of the pain I felt. I got drunk and high for the first time. And later that evening, I ended up having unprotected sex again. I know myself. I don’t just have sex. I have very little experience. I am so scared. But, I’m getting tested.

I can’t believe it happened to me. I don’t want to admit that I was take advantage of, but it hurts. I’m being positive. Accepting it, but I don’t want to. I’m trying to heal. I don’t want to admit I was raped. Bu,t I know in a sense I was. And the only thing I ask is I come out clean. Because I didn’t ask for this.