Drugged

Before reading: English is not my first language. Be aware before you Judge me. Thank you.

I can’t explain how it felt. The hardest part of my story is, that not only did he take away my trust, he took away a part of my memory, a crucial part, that I will never have back. The fact that I know what happened, but will never know, how, when exactly, and why, frustrates me still. And will Always hurt me so much. I trusted you. This one’s for you.

I met you in 2015. I had just turned 15 and went on my first holiday with my best friend. Her parents took me with them, and treated me very great, they looked out for me. My mom Always told me that she trusted me, that she knew I would look out for myself. So why are you worried about me? My 15-year old self wondered. ‘I trust you, just not the people around you.’ I Always found my mother to be over-dramatic. These things, these horrible stories you hear on the news, or that you see in crime shows, that’ll never be me. Right?

You wrote me a small note, on a napkin you took from the restaurant you worked at. The restaurant that belonged to the hotel I stayed at. You said you liked me, asked me out, and to be honest, I didn’t like you that much. But things can change. I wish they hadn’t.
A year later I came back. You were still working at the restaurant. I remember it so well, I was on my beach pad, trying to get a tan, and then you walked up to me. ‘I remember you.’ Was what you told me. We had a fun time, you were kind, and you grew on me. I started to actually like you, and to finally give us a chance. Why not, right?
You seemed so polite, so kind, so sweet. We were supposed to meet up that night, at the pool, after you had finished your work. It took you so long, so one of your friends invited me and my friend to go to a ‘staff’ room on the sixth floor. That damned sixth floor. We went there, your friend happened to be an asshole who tried to get in my best friend her pants. I called you up, I needed you, I needed someone I could trust. Someone who would make me feel safe. My friend went back to our room, and we stayed on the balcony on the sixth floor, just watching the stars. We kissed. You wanted more. I wasn’t ready, but I said yes. I don’t know why. But that’s not the reason I am writing this. Because what you did after that, is something I will never forgive you. We just started when I told you to stop. You didn’t respect me, you got mad because I told you to stop. Because I wasn’t ready. I panicked and you told me to sit down and relax, that it would be ok ay. You held me. We had a drink before, and now you decided to go downstairs to make us another drink. We sat there for an hour, I was two drinks in when I started to feel extremely dizzy. The alcohol? Probably yes. At least that’s what I thought back then. Now I know better. You had placed some pillows on the floor, and laid me down there.
I woke up around 5 in the morning. I looked around, and found you sitting against the wall, my head was killing me. How could I be hungover after two drinks? I tried to stand up, and I can tell you, I couldn’t walk, I crawled to my clothes. They were no where to be found. I looked over to you, you were sitting on my clothes. I pulled them away from you, and it took me about five minutes to put my damn clothes on. And I can’t explain it, but I knew that something was wrong. My panic came back. And instantly I tried to walk out of the room, I fell so much that night that my knees were bruised. When I finally came to my room, I opened the door, fell inside the room, and crawled to the bathroom. My head was still killing me at this point. What the hell happened? I took my clothes of and noticed a couple of bruises and scratches. I went to pee. And there was blood. My period? It can’t be, had it last week. I started to remember. When I stepped in to the shower I had a quick flashback. You were on top of me. I couldn’t feel anything, I couldn’t move my body, but I felt my body wiggle with every move you made, I felt your body hit mine from down under. I tried to push you of me, but I had no power in my hands, you held my hands down above my head. While I lay there, unable to move. I can not tell you how many times I heard the disgusting moans you made while I laid there drugged by you. I still hear them when I focus. I can still see your face through the darkness, feel your hand touch my face. Your tight grip around my arms.
It took my weeks to remember those small details. The only thing I remember clearly is what happened before you gave me those drinks.

The thing what haunts me is that I will never know everything that happened, I only have a couple parts, I don’t know in what order they happened, what time, how long. Will I ever know? Probably not.
You took away something from me that I will never get back. Something that wasn’t yours to take. It was a decision that we had to make, but you made it for me.

— Survivor, age 17