Empty

I don’t know how to start this story, I don’t know how to write or even describe the feelings I feel. I’m a 16 year old girl from Sweden. This things happened when I was 12 and I’ve never talked to anyone about it, I tried once to tell my GF but she thought I was making it up, after that I’ve never had the courage to confess what happened. It was back in the time when I’d just started drinking, hang out with older people. My home were a mess, I was kicked out. I saw alcohol and drugs as an escape, a way to be free, a way to not think about everything bad around me. I grew up with an alcoholic psychotic father. My mum worked night and day to take care of us and keep food on our table. She was away from home as much as she could so she didn’t have to see my father and what he did to us all. I remember how he used to scream and run up behind us in the stares. I remember the bruises on my arms from when he used to grab me when I did something wrong. One time I remember he pushed up my mum against the wall with a knife against her neck and heard him say that if she separated from him, he would kill us all. I never went to school. My grades were so bad. The drugs were a way out of the nightmare, I thought. One night, my friend and I were at a “friends” house. He was 27 by then. I was 12. I saw up to him. He bought me alcohol and we could always drink at his place. So this one night, I got so drunk and so high I don’t remember anything. Except one thing, I laid down in the sofa and rolled over so I fell down on the floor. My friend was making out with one of the guys in the sofa and the 27year old were also there. I remember laying there, all passed out and hearing a voice saying “come on now sweetheart, you’re gonna have sex with me” and a hand that grabbed my arm. I remember a picture from the TV, but after that it’s all black. I’ve had so much regrets and felt so bad about myself after that happened, and I’ve had sex with so many people afterwards because sex has been a way for me to drown my sex in, if you know what I mean? I can still think back to this day and just start to cry, I feel so dirty, empty, like I was worth it. I don’t know what to do, I feel so disgusting, like I wanna wash off all this anger and every person I’ve had sex with, but I can’t. This is killing me, inside out.