Empty

It was deadlines week and me and the guy I low-key consider boyfriend were in-charge of our class project. We decided to finish it in his house since its the nearest one with internet and stuff. His mom was in her room, calling someone. Suddenly, he told me to go to the room next to her mom’s. He told me to take me off my underwear (I’m still wearing my uniform; typical blouse + skirt). I said no. I dont want to. He told me don’t worry, his mom wont know. I dont know what to do. I don’t want it. But he still insisted. I wanted to get out of the situation. I dont want his mom to see me. I don’t want anyone to see me, sitting down on a chair with a man trying to put his insides in me. I dont want this. I was scared so I just took off my shorts, then my underwear. He started doing it. He said I was his first. I wasn’t even happy. How many times I’ve told him to stop but he still continued. I got so scared of everything. What if anyone sees me? What will they think of me after that? I don’t even want to know. He didn’t stop until he could’t hear his mom’s voice on phone. I wanted to scream so bad but I couldn’t. I didn’t want anyone to know what just happened inside that dark room. He told me we’ll do it next time. No. I dont want it in the first place. He even got slightly mad because he couldn’t do it properly. He said I wasn’t moving at all. He told me to watch the videos he sent me. I dont want to. I cant. He put the videos on my phone. I cant let anyone see it. I hated every part of it. I hated every part of me getting caged along with his sexual desires. When I went home, I got scolded by my dad because I was late. I told him we needed to finish our class project. Nothing else. I was so mad at myself for letting that happen. After that day, I avoided going out with only the two of us. I went to my friend’s more. I did not tell them. No one else. How can I? For 4 years, this is the first time I talked about this. I broke up with him when we got to college. I felt a little happy but scared. What if he tells everybody? Or anyone and that anyone told anyone? I was so scared. It took me a year to finally reach the decision of breaking up with him. I hated it but I learned from it. Although, until now, I still don’t trust any man besides my dad and brothers and I still haven’t told anyone about this. Maybe one day, when I’m stronger enough.

Thank you for letting me share this.