End of Innocence

I had just turned 18. I knew everything or thought I did and my father’s temper was as bad as mine.

We got into a fight and he told me to leave and to spite him I did. I went to my best friends house with the intent to stay a few days then talk to my dad. That night my friend’s mother’s boyfriend, decided we should all get loaded and forget about everything.

He never completely sat right with me and to this day I still have a little voice that chides me for not listening to it.

I don’t think I was just drunk, but I was definitely also drunk. Some how I ended up naked or near to in the living room floor. Everyone had started to disperse, my best friend was throwing up, her mother went to her room and I was alone. I felt hands on me and I was pulling them away when I heard him start talking about how much he wanted this. I struggled telling him no over and over. I know he heard me because he repeated “no?” back to me as I continued to peel his slimy hands off me.

He dragged me into my best friend’s brother’s room and continued to rape me until I went unconscious. After he left me alone and in my conscious mind I didn’t have time to fully process what had happened. Soon after I started to feel sick so I went to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me and looked surprised, but with my friend and her mother around he didn’t try anything else. The next morning I thought it might have been a dream. He insisted a bit too strongly that I in particular shower before we went to go do stuff in town. When I showered I had my proof that it wasn’t a dream with no proof that I could take to the police. The rest of the day I kept looking for a place to run.

I finally talked to my dad and begged him to let me come home. A week later, I finally cracked and went to the doctors. Six months later, my mind snapped and I spent the next year hiding from the world.

I got better but the fear of being treated differently lingers. It doesn’t effect me really day to day any more, but in looking back I see how it changed. How I deal with certain kinds of touch and why being pawed in certain ways causes me to get angry. I am pretty ok now and it does get better. It’s been 12 years and I’m still here.