Two days after Christmas last year 2017, my soon to be ex husband came into my home and raped me. He was furious I had been seeing someone else, tho we had been separated since September of that year, but he spent our entire 8 years seeing other women. We fought I told him to leave he beat me and the next thing I know I’m on my kitchen floor looking up at the light fixture trying to make it go away as he was raping me. I ended up blacking out either from him choking me the busted up body or my body and mind going into shock.. I was diagnosed with a concussion. I remember then waking up to EMS shaking me and so much commotion going on. Every thing hurt on me from my hair to my toes, I’m naked but have a blanket around me. I’m so confused and I then see 2 male sheriff deputies, male firefighters and the ems were males as well. My boyfriend was there and he was all I could focus on. I was scared and couldn’t understand why I was having my BP checked and being told I need to go to the hospital. Once I’m allowed to put clothes on after yelling at everyone I wasn’t going to the hospital I don’t understand what’s going on, they all are against me. The cops are looking at me like I’m trash because there was a vodka bottle out and they could smell alcohol on me when they arrived, not their call to make. They made me cry because one in particular continued to tell me if I don’t remember what happened and I refuse to go to the hospital then I got drunk and did this to myself!!! I was never told about a rape center or someone who could help me. I go to the hospital when they left, I knew I had been raped and I knew it was my ex. I just could not get anything to process right. Once at the hospital the ER Doctor questioned me multiple times about why I needed a rape kit done! He said to me with my mother and boyfriend both in the room, “If you don’t remember what happened why do you need the kit done, could you have done this to yourself?” I had black eyes, broken nose, hand prints around my neck from being choked. You could count out at least 7 bruises on my abdomin and ribs and back area that were the perfect shape of a fist. My poor legs not only could you tell I put up a hell of a fight my legs proved it!! Bruising all down them finger print bruises and there had been glass in the floor well my knee and top of my right foot some how found it. They were gaping holes but now scares that remind me to keep going. Back to the Doctor when i insisted I have a rape kit done he asked if u can wait until 10:00am, because the RN who does these comes in at that time, It was 2 in the morning!!! I said no and he said it’s not our fault if it’s not done properly we don’t do these. And I don’t believe it was preformed correctly at least all the steps done anyway. Oh and the officer there that was to take my statement he spent the entire time in the lobby telling my parents “some times our kids don’t turn out the way we hoped and alcohol can be a terrible thing. He has a sister who is a drunk as well.” I can’t make this stuff up, and it keeps getting better. I have no one female anyway help me except the scared nurse, I have no one from a rape shelter or crisis center. I only learned about these things weeks after, I wasn’t aware I could have these people help me! The doc writes a Rx and tells me I can go back to work the next day. I have to WALK out of there in see through green scrub pants crying and shaking. My hospital notes have me leaving with a normal walk steady ..oh and my mood was normal, this was after the injuries were documented wrong, wrong side of the body wrong places. My ex has taken away so much from me, he has yet to spend even one hour in jail for this! Because he knew the combination to the door the first detective said it was okay he came into my home uninvited, also the assault charge could only be a misdemeanor because, get this I’m saying word for damn word,” HE DIDNT HURT ME ENOUGH for it to be a felony”. And the kit could take a year a half or longer to get back so he was sorry there’s nothing he can do for me. He didn’t meet with me until 10 or more days after it happened!!! My parents don’t talk to me about this, my mother being a southern baptist lady, doesn’t talk about such things like rape! She is still letting me know how this situation effects her an how it makes us look. “If I had not been running around on the weekends this probably wouldn’t have happened to you” I got that a lot, because for the first time in 8 years I was free and I had friends and got to do things, so I brought this upon myself. My ex claims he was at his house all night with our son , forgot to mention that, my son will be six soon but 5 at the time. He doesn’t know anything he said he went to sleep and that’s it. I am constantly worried that one day he might decide he has had enough of all of this and he comes back. I have anxiety disorder, PTSD, depression, ADD, panic attack’s. I can’t seem to leave my house for anything but work. I want so bad for him to get what he deserves, but now also I want to be apart of something to help others. Spousal rape was legal in this state not that many years ago, how can things like this happen and nothing be done about it? No one wants to hear my story because it makes them uncomfortable or they grew up in a generation where you don’t talk of such things. Then there are a few who know what happened and they are to good of a friend to tell you they are sick of hearing about it now. I want victim shaming to end, we don’t feel bad for the guy who robbed the store do we? Do we make the clerk who was injured feel like it was their fault p? NO! Then why does society do this to rape victims!
Thank you for letting me at least share my story, you are an amazing woman and gives us all hope that we can use this horrible thing to help others.
— Brianna, age 30
Brianna, you are very brave and a good person to want to help other people. Parts of what you have written are unconscionable for you to be treated like that – just unbelievable, though I completely believe it. Do this – GET A NOTEBOOK and a pen. Copy this page and attach it to the notebook, it may have legal value as it may be the only time you were allowed to tell your story straightly and truly without a jerk standing next to you. Try to get the names of every person you have mentioned above and include it. From now on when checking on your case , have your notebook handy and ask any person you speak with, What is your name and how do I spell it?, and let me confirm you, the chief of police are saying, blah blah. So – whoever is responsible for your case and your rape kit, contact that person once a week and ask for an update. Take notes and let them know you are taking notes. I can tell you from personal experience it makes alot of difference when they know you have their name and are keeping a record. You need to think about getting a restraining order so you will not go thru this again. My heart goes out to you. You need to find a therapist and counselor and as you have said a support group. You cannot get thru this alone. You have a tough row to hoe so to speak as it will be your whole life as you have a child. I can tell by your post that you are very strong and a very courageous woman – you can do this, you can heal from these wrong ignorant people and your criminal ex. It will not happen overnight but you CAN do this. You deserve better that this. Please don’t let one day go by that you do not do one action, or one thing to make everything better for you and your child- you can do this – you are good and brave and loving, this world needs the best from women like you – STAY BRAVE and keep us posted!
Dear Brianna – thank you so much for sharing your story. You are so right – it really is mindblowing that society makes rape victims prove that a crime was committed or that it was “really that bad and not just bad sex”. I’ve never thought to compare it to a robbery but I actually think the comparison you made is one of the most astute I’ve ever read.
What happened to you is not your fault. I know people try to find ways that would have made it preventable but they need to look at HIM, not at you. I know me saying that might not make it easier but I believe it from the bottom of my heart. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist. They can help you with a bunch of things – your emotions (the PTSD, panic attacks, depression, etc – all of which are totally valid) and might also be able to help you understand what your legal options are and how to keep you safe. If you live near a rape crisis center, it might be worth seeing if they have an advocate you can talk to who understands the ins and outs of the legal system. They might offer other services too, like a support group or something.
I want you to know that I believe you and I’ll be thinking of you. Love, Alexis