So, I don’t know if this will help but I was thinking I should give this writing thing a try because… well I just don’t know what else to do.
To start, I do have a great therapist… she has been so good and supportive of me… but the thing is… well… I’ll just share some of my story and go from there.
So I am 35 now, I was sexually raped and molested by my father and 4 other members of my family from the time I was 4 years old until I was 11 years old. At 11, I became pregnant with my fathers child and was sent to live with my mother who I never know because she left me at 18 months. I had the baby and she was given up for adoption by the DCF agency that took us from my birth mother when I was 12. Two years ago I decided to seek therapy (after starting and never going through with others over the years meaning I never really talked about my abuse) because I was dying inside and I felt low/empty. A year ago I was reconnected with my daughter through the DCF agency that put her up for adoption. Things got much harder for me with the memories and flashes and nightmares at this time.
So here is my issue I am terrified, so terrified all the time, I want to talk in therapy but I am so afraid… for the last 2 years I have shut down, I get so anxious and hot, my stomach starts hurting, and I literally feel like there is a knot in my throat. I mean I want to talk I want to connect but I am so scared I feel like I’d rather hurt myself (pull my skin off). I trust my therapist and I’ve tried to do her suggestions but I freeze everytime. I have dissociated and I don’t know how to reconnect. I don’t know how to not be terrified. I really could use any help/advice.
— Survivor, age 35