So, I don’t know if this will help but I was thinking I should give this writing thing a try because… well I just don’t know what else to do.
To start, I do have a great therapist… she has been so good and supportive of me… but the thing is… well… I’ll just share some of my story and go from there.
So I am 35 now, I was sexually raped and molested by my father and 4 other members of my family from the time I was 4 years old until I was 11 years old. At 11, I became pregnant with my fathers child and was sent to live with my mother who I never know because she left me at 18 months. I had the baby and she was given up for adoption by the DCF agency that took us from my birth mother when I was 12. Two years ago I decided to seek therapy (after starting and never going through with others over the years meaning I never really talked about my abuse) because I was dying inside and I felt low/empty. A year ago I was reconnected with my daughter through the DCF agency that put her up for adoption. Things got much harder for me with the memories and flashes and nightmares at this time.
So here is my issue I am terrified, so terrified all the time, I want to talk in therapy but I am so afraid… for the last 2 years I have shut down, I get so anxious and hot, my stomach starts hurting, and I literally feel like there is a knot in my throat. I mean I want to talk I want to connect but I am so scared I feel like I’d rather hurt myself (pull my skin off). I trust my therapist and I’ve tried to do her suggestions but I freeze everytime. I have dissociated and I don’t know how to reconnect. I don’t know how to not be terrified. I really could use any help/advice.
— Survivor, age 35
emdr therapy!!
Survivor – you are Soooo brave to get therapy and I am so happy you have a good therapist. Your feeling right now are very normal. It may be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am not a doctor, but let’s go with that for a second. What you went thru as a young innocent child is very very painful and wrong. At the exact time that you needed to have a trusting caregiver in your life you had crimes committed against you every day. The ways that this affected and affects you are numerous. But you probably went to a safer place in your head while being attacked as a child. Those feelings have been frozen for decades but they have not gone anywhere. Now that you have made the incredible brave decision to talk to a great therapist, thank goodness for her, you feel safe enough to feel the feelings. And it’s normal that the feelings are so terrified – that is how you felt during the abuse and there was no where to go, no one to trust.And the abuser would not let you talk, not let you tell, not let you feel. But now you have someone to trust. Please Please do not hurt yourself. Keep trying your therapists suggestions, time does not matter, time is on your side.We here are on your side sending you good thoughts and love. The world needs you in it because you are so good.You want to heal and you can, you do not deserve this pain but you have been brave as heck for 35 years and you always will be – please write us again, you expressed yourself very well, stay strong!!!
Thank you very much for your positive words and kind reply. My heart does hurt tremendously, and yes you are right… I was forced for years to not feel, not cry, not react to the actions that were hurled against me daily. I remain dissociated; a defensive act that I began as a young child. Leaving my mind and body was all I had to free me from the drunken and horrifying behaviors of my father and others. I am in a position in therapy now, where she is trying to get me to reconnect to the feelings I’ve buried for so long… but how does one truly put the fleeing aroma back into a lit candle? I say this to say, it feels nearly impossible. I mean, how do I reconnect to the most painful feelings and emotions that were so harshly ripped away? I find, I just don’t know how… and I am afraid that I will erupt like a overflowing volcano burning anything it touches or that touches it. Nevertheless, thank you for encouraging me to write, as so often the fear inside of me leaves a boulder stuck in my throat and sitting on my chest, which prevents me from talking – that’s the terror. Writing and the use of “words” has allowed me to express what my mouth so often is afraid to say.
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing this here. I have to say that I can really relate to what you wrote. I am your age and also have a wonderful therapist… but there are so many times that I’m afraid to open up to her. I actually recently was able to open up to her about something that I’ve been trying to tell her for a long time and for me it was a little at a time and she would constantly just make sure I was coming back to myself and staying present. We actually talked a lot about it in advance and it didn’t work the first try. Or the second, for that matter. When I was first starting with her I would write things down and bring them in and she would read them and we would talk about it. That also made things a little easier and it let her guide me into talking more. Basically what I’m saying is that I would encourage you to keep trying because you’ll get there but it is HARD!!! But you have already proven how strong you are and I know you can do it. Sending you lots of love, Alexis
This is my first time visiting this site (I’m not even sure how I came upon it in the first place) but after reading what you wrote, I feel compelled to comment. I hope that’s okay.
My suggestion is teeny tiny steps. Sometimes the gap between silence and the full painful truth is way too big to cross. I know; I’ve been there. But you really don’t have to make that leap. You can start by telling your therapist “there is something I want to talk about but I’m too scared to talk about it just yet.” That can be the only mention you make of it that meeting. The next time, you can add just a little more, like “that thing I want to talk about had something to do with sexual abuse, but I’m still not ready to say more” for example. Once you’ve reached the point where you feel you can share something specific, you can start by saying something like “I think I’m ready to tell you more, but if it gets too difficult to continue then please let me change the subject.”
I’ve done this, and in my experience it can take something utterly terrifying and make it a little less scary and a lot more manageable. It can also be very empowering because it lets you take control of your own story.