Fear

The night He sexually assaulted me

It was a normal date at first. At the end of the movie, we kissed. It was nice. Then he started kissing me a lot, maybe too much for a first date. But I brushed it off as over eagerness or nerves, nothing to be too concerned about. After all, he had bought my drink and movie ticket.

After the movie ended, he suggested we go to his place and “make a night of it”. I agreed. Along the way, we stopped by a mannequin looking disheveled. He decided we should “make up a story about what happened to her”. I thought this was a cute idea, and agreed. To my surprise, he started telling a detailed tale of how she had been “in the sack”, and he said “I wonder with who….it was me” with a “sexy” smile then leaned down to make out with me. At this point everything felt wrong, but I didn’t stop him.

We eventually got to his place, and we cuddled and put on a movie. Then he started kissing and undressing me. He didn’t ask to undress me. He starts to take my pants off and I say no. “Aw come on” he says. “No.” I say more firmly, a little scared now. We continue kissing and such. Then he starts to finger me by sliding his hand up my pants. I don’t stop him but I really want to. He asks again to take off my pants. I say “no, I want to know each other better first” and he says “but it’s just a barrier.” I say “no” and he says “aw come on we’re practically already there”. I repeat, “I said no”. We keep kissing and such, and he tries again. “No”. I say. “Aw come on, pants off and panties on?” He asks. “I don’t want to”, I say. “Well it’s really hard to finger too this way” he grumbles. I stay silent. A little while later, he says “ok, so I get we aren’t having sex tonight, but can I PLEASE take your pants off.” I don’t remember what I said because it starts getting blurry here. I know I said “no” and he said “fine, I’ll respect you, but you caught me on a good day”, and I said, “that’s not funny”, and then my brain and body tensed with fear and stayed that way. I know I repeatedly said I needed to go home, at which times he would stay on top of me and plead for 10, 15 more minutes, and I would oblige-there wasn’t really an escape anyway, and I was scared. I’m 20 and he was almost 26-he’s older, bigger; and stronger. I know I asked at least 3 times to go home. I begged him to “cum all over me” hoping to get it over with. He didn’t, so I repeated that I needed to go home. He begged me to try “one more time” and I said no again, and this time I guess I was persistent enough, and he walked m e back to my car. I blocked him and never saw him again. I wake up screaming sometimes remembering it.

— Survivor, age 20