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Fear Became a Part of My Life

When I was 9 years old I was sexually abused by the man who was my grandma’s husband (but he wasn’t exactly my grandfather). I remember it perfectly. It was at night. My grandma was in the bathroom. And it all happened in just a couple of minutes. At first he was tickling me and I was laughing…but then it happened. He put his hand inside my PJs and started touching me. I knew it was wrong. And I hated it. I still remember his exact words: “Let’s keep this beautiful secret.” And I nodded. Just to play along for my own safety. But I felt so filthy. So disgusted by this whole act. And I wasn’t going to keep quiet. I was terrified. So I waited ’till he fell asleep and since he, my grandma and I were sharing a bed, I told her. She was shocked and told me to wait until the morning so we could talk about it. And I fell asleep. The next morning I was terrified. And my grandma confronted him. And he denied it. Right in front of my face. It was repulsive. I told him “Deny it all you want. But there’s a God above us. And he knows the truth.” I’m relieved I didn’t keep quiet. 3 months later, he was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. My mom loved him dearly and was really affected by his death. So I didn’t tell her what happened that night. And she still doesn’t know. I’m worried that if I tell her, it will harm her. I’m afraid that she’ll feel really sad. And I think it will shatter this whole positive image she had about him. (She has known him since she was a teenager.) But I feel like telling her will make a huge step in leaving all of this behind. But I just don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want her to be mentally destroyed. Because I love her so much. And even though I’m 16 years old now it’s still hard for me not to tell her since we have such a close relationship. And this whole experience has really hurt me to the point that I can’t trust any older man. The only one I really trust is my dad. And it’s sad since I live with my stepfather and ever since this incident occurred, I stopped being close to him. And it has ruined my relationship with him. And I hate it. I hate that, that what he did to me really hurt me. And it mentally f*cked me up. He stole my innocence. As for my grandma? She’s losing parts of her memory. And now she doesn’t remember what happened that night. After 7 years of that incident I finally found someone I really trust, my boyfriend. I’ve known him for 3 years. And after one night of telling him about how my family was like, it hit me. And I was petrified. Because I remembered that incident. And I told him that there were some things that I couldn’t tell him just, yet. He got really curious and started to ask me about it. And I told him. He froze. And I could see how his face went from curious to shocked, and sad. I cried. He hugged me. And I could see that his eyes started to fill with tears. He couldn’t believed that I was a survivor. And told me that he felt really sorry that I had to go through that alone. He’s really supportive about this whole situation. I’m 16 years old. I want to tell my mom about it. But I’m not sure if I should do it now or keep waiting until I have 18 years old. I don’t want to hurt her. And I really don’t know what to do.


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