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Feeling Alone

When me and my best friend traveled to Vietnam this past summer, we met up with her old friend who is teaching over there. Me and this guy hit it off straight away and I spent the night kissing him. We went back to his house to smoke a little weed and decided to stay the night as we didn’t know how to get back to the city at 4am.

When I was coming back from the bathroom to me and my friends room, he called me into his room. We started kissing and I kept saying I wasn’t having sex and he was sayings its fine just kissing. Things got more intense, clothes came off and as this was happening I said over and over that this wasn’t leading to sex. At one point I could feel his fingers in me and that was also fine, just as long as there was no sex.

He put both of his hands on my face as we continued kissing and I then realized that he had tricked me into thinking it was his fingers in me and I have no idea how long he had tricked me for. I gave out to him and then said it was fine and that as long as he stopped we could continue kissing. But as someone who had recently only identified a past sexual experience of a rape, I snapped.

I told him to get off me and went into the other room and lay on the floor crying next to my friend. I didn’t tell her until we left the guys house cause I felt like I was over reacting. Although she called him a bastard, shes still nice to him. She counts him in my ‘number’, saying that if it went in for more than a few seconds its sex.

I feel like I can’t talk to her about it because she clearly doesn’t get how much it gets to me. How come I have to count this guy in my number if I never gave him permission to be there? Even though I was naked, I said no multiple times, there could’ve been no confusion in that, he tried to trick me thinking I was drunker than I was.

I need her to be here for me but how can she be if she doesn’t see it as a rape? I can feel myself falling apart and spiraling out of control even though it was months ago. I’m suffocating. I need someone to talk to, I’m hoping posting this makes tomorrow a little easier.

— Survivor, age 22

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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