Feeling Lost

Though at times I feel lost, I know now that I am not defeated. The first time I was assaulted I was only 4 years old. My dad’s best friend molested me. I only vaguely remember what happened, but remember how I felt more than anything. I recall feeling confused and dirty, and I think I blocked most of it out. I never told my parents about it, even after Gary died of a heart attack. I fear that they will blame themselves.

My second incident was when my sister invited two guys she recently met to our apartment. We were all drinking when I guess I had too much. My sister stripped me and put me in the bathtub so that I could sober up. I couldn’t even move my arms. We only had one bathroom, so every time one of the guys would use the bathroom, they would touch me. My sister and one of the guys went to the store to get more alcohol. Nate, the guy who stayed with me, dragged me out of the bathtub and raped me. I couldn’t resist him, and I didn’t tell my sister. Almost 10 years later, my sister asked me if I was raped while she was gone. I finally told her, and as I feared, she blamed herself. I told her not to, but she still apologizes about it .

Now my life is somewhat normal, though I am still guarded. I watch my surroundings, and take care to notice anything that could hurt me. But for years, from the ages of 20 to 26, I disconnected feelings with sex. I had sex with many people, mainly because I thought what had happened was my fault and wanted to act how I felt. I finally met someone who has grounded me from that, and makes me feel secure. After 7 years, we are going to get married in September and it is great. Thank you for speaking out.