Fenced In

I was only 14.

We had been “dating” as much as we could at that age. He was my first I guess you could say serious boyfriend. I never imagined feeling so attached to someone as I was to him. It was July and very warm the summer was flying by and a lot of change was happening in my life. I was finally being seen for depression by a therapist, my brother was heading off to college and not a week before the rape, my only pet I had ever had died. These things built up to being really overwhelming to me. In that moment I was so broken already, I opened up to him. I needed to be comforted and calm. He held me and asked if I wanted to take a walk, it was later, close to 10pm and his Aunt was on the way to pick him up. As we walked down my street in a neighborhood I called home, I felt something push me left, off the sidewalk and into a backyard. I realized it was him. He pushed me again, down to the ground next to a fence and pinned me between them.

He was so much bigger than I was, he was 16 and over 6ft tall. I was in so much pain, he had my arms above my head with one hand and when I tried to scream he put it on my mouth, gagging me. I realized I was not going to be able to move, I kicked as much as I could and began crying but… at some point I just gave up. He said things like, “you know you wanted this” and, “just stop fighting me”. Eventually it all just turned to a blur and when he was done he stood up and just left me there. Walked back to my house and sat on the bench outside waiting for his Aunt. I sat there on the ground exposed, unsure of what to do. I couldn’t tell my parents, I couldn’t tell my friends. I was shocked and ashamed and hurt.

Two days later I left for a mission trip, he broke up with me while I was gone and part of me was so relieved that I wasn’t connected to him anymore, but the reality of it was that I was incredibly hurt by that. I made myself think it was all a dream that I never was outside that night, but he brought it up when he called saying he was disgusted by me and didn’t want to see me anymore.

I still have not told my parents, or my therapist or anyone that could do anything to serious about it. For years I couldn’t stand to be touched by anyone, even close friends and it took a long time to feel comfortable sexually with anyone. I’m now in a relationship of 2 years and I believe we’re going to get married. But, even with him, I shut down sometimes. If he touches me in a weird way or places his hands near my face when I’m not expecting it, I often fall into a crying fit of anxiety. I found out a few months ago that the guy was in jail for raping another woman… it was then that I felt guilty. I wish I had the courage to tell someone what he did to me. So no other woman would have had to go through what I went through.

— Survivor, age 21