I was nine months pregnant and he was mad at me. I tried getting him to talk to me ana calm down. Helps started hurting me. He then decided to hurt me in the way it would hurt the most. My biggest fear. He raped me. I begged him not to I fought him with everything. He ignored me. I begged him to stop. He didn’t till he slipped out. I talked to him about it today. I don’t think he even remembers that night. He was in shock asked if he was a rapist. I couldn’t stand to see him hurt. I didn’t use our safe words that our friend group has. So he used that to say it wasn’t rape. He wasn’t a rapist. I could tell he couldn’t handle it and I would loose him. He had me promise him he wasn’t a rapist, that he didn’t rape me. I don’t break promises it’s a rule I have. Since I already broke two to myself by staying when he hurt me and staying when he raped me I figured what’s one more. I denied myself the fact it happened. I hate it. Our son is almost 3 months old.
— Survivor, age 19
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. First of all – what happened was not your fault. You said no and told him to stop and you didn’t give consent. As for the safe word, it is so easy to freeze when you are in a situation like that. Please don’t blame yourself. Promises you make are based on what you know at the time you make them. Everyone does the best they can including you, as a woman, a mother, and a survivor.
Please consider talking to a therapist or a counselor about what you’ve been through. You deserve to heal from what happened and not to carry it around with you. At some point, it might be that he needs to heal too – with his own therapist or with you with a couples’ counselor – but for now I am worried about you. Please take care of you. You deserve that. Sending you love and light, Alexis