Finally facing it

I’m 32 years old and married now. When I was 15 years old I was dating a 16 year old. I was a virgin with no intentions of having sex anytime soon. I was very naive about sex and also insecure about my body. I went to the homecoming dance with my boyfriend. Before the dance, we went to a neighbor’s house who provided alcohol to minors. I had never drank before. They made screw drivers and I drank for the first time. I’m not sure if I was given date rape drugs or just got drunk enough to black out, but I still remember feeling extremely out of it and I only remember tiny bits from the night. I remember going to a bedroom at this person’s house and passing out. The next day I had no idea I had had sex. All I remember is feeling sore when I went to the bathroom and thinking it was odd. When I went to see my boyfriend again, somehow we had a conversation about that night and he told me we had had sex. He claimed that I was “into it”. I just assumed he was right and that I was too drunk to remember. Deep down I knew that wasn’t possible. I had passed out and I was also very insecure and down right prude. I wouldn’t have been ‘into it’ like he described. He had raped me while I was passed out drunk or in date rape drugs. I’ll never really know which it actually was. However, I don’t recall drinking enough to be THAT out of it, so I’ve always really thought it was date rape. I think because I have no memory of the sex at all, I blocked it all out. I felt like it was my fault, because I was drunk. I don’t remember ever thinking he was in the wrong at that point. We ended up having sex throughout our relationship consensually after that. Although I would just lie there and sometimes cry after. It was a horrible experience, but for some reason I felt obligated or something since we’d already had sex. I never thought I was that weak or naive, but looking back, I guess I was. I thought rape was when you were attacked in an alley by a stranger. After we broke up I actually told a group of mutual friends what happened, and they told me they heard I had sex with him after that, so basically that meant it was consensual and fine. I convinced myself they were right. I never considered myself a rape vicitm, but deep down I always knew it wasn’t right. I had lost my virginity by being raped while passed out. It affected my sex life from then on in many many ways. 17 years later, I find myself googling stuff about being raped as a teen. I came across an article about going back to the rapist. After reading that article 17 years later, I finally didn’t feel like it was my fault. There was validation in the fact that other people had had sex with the person who raped them consensually after the fact. I hope to one day finally seek therapy for what happened to me as a teen. But this is the first time I have let it all out. The time’s I have brought it up to people before, no one has ever made any fuss about it, like it was no big deal. So I just have kept it inside, assuming it was no big deal. I wish I had known back then that rape isn’t just being held down against your will by some scary stranger. It can be your own boyfriend. And just because I continued to have sex with him after doesn’t make it any less of a thing.

— Survivor, age 32