Finally Sharing

My story is old nearly two decades and yet it as if my rape was yesterday. I have done a lot of healing absolutely but this type of trauma never leaves you – it shapes you.

I feel sad about the circumstances around my rape and as others have experienced – it was a crushing blow to trust. I trusted this person and thought we cared about me (in some way). It’s sad that my trust was shattered by some small, tiny minded, insecure man’s need for power and control.

My tale is this: while we were not exclusive we certainly were familiar with one another as we worked together, dated a bit, and just were friendly. We had been intimate too and again not exclusive which has it’s own issues, but that doesn’t mean or equal to a set-up for rape.

We met at a restaurant and introduced each other to friends. The fete broke up and we all went our separate ways and true to form I went with him to his place. He served me a drink and I remember looking at it thinking that isn’t right – that is an old bubble line – and I didn’t drink anymore. However, whatever “it” was was enough to knock me out. I recall him pulling my dress over my head. He was hovering over me and was aggressively jabbing into me and over the course of time I realized he was digitally raping me and I do remember saying “you’re hurting me” and blacking out again. The next thing I remember is him on top of me – animal like thrusting and jabbing my bottom – I didn’t realize it at the time but he was sodomizing me – to the point he knocked me off the bed and I recall coming too only this time like a rag doll on the floor, and he was telling me “get off of him”. I remember thinking “huh” as I could barely move. Then next thing I remember was being in the bathroom and wiping blood as I thought I had started my period – yeah, not so much, that was from the “finger rape”.
I recall laying down on the bed and passing out again and being very tired. He tugged at the sheets and I screamed “no” and he said “fine”. The next thing I knew he was on top of my again raping me vaginally and I kept coming in and out of consciousness.

The next morning I was so foggy and found my clothes in the bathroom and he said “you left them there’. As if he was trying to convince me of my actions.

I walked into the kitchen and he grabbed a pill bottle keeping a tight grip on the bottle. He then said “we don’t mesh and shouldn’t see each other again”. He literally pushed me out the door with my things in my arms, barely dressed and slammed the door in my face. It was surreal. I barely got home as I was so tired and blurry and it was not hangover drunk it was something else — a drug of some sort.

The days following this trauma I was a classic victim reaching out to him seeking answers I would not get. He told me never to contact him again and I needed help. He was right about the help part – thanks to his sorry excuse for a person I did need help. Help to heal from his DELIBERATE actions and choices.

I did, I went on to get amazing help and learned to realize he is a total loser for what he did, a subhuman, and through my faith I decided to practice daily forgiveness to set myself free and try not to linger in anger – but it’s DAILY practice.

I have to say I have never shared my story as I have a family that shames as I somehow would have brought this on myself. The two friends I shared my story with were at the party that night and one said “I knew not to leave you”, but that statement was about her and not helping me at that moment. The second person said “you’ll move on, it’s happened to others”. While they were both right – you do move on and yes, she could be reflective of what they knew to do and did not.
The problem I have with their statements – is if you know someone who has been traumatized you need to get them support, unyielding support, LOVE, a flood of encouragement reminding them they are wonderful no matter what some POS did to them. But, this kind of trauma effects friends and family — a rapist hurts more their victim.

I would love to scream his name from the mountain top and alert others that this “family” man is a horrible person. And also to let his other survivors know that we/she/I are fine and he doesn’t win and in fact – he is a man that rapes and is a COWARD, a SMALL man, and a total LOSER, and while he might hide behind his COO job or whatever he does at the end of the day he is a RAPIST. A cold, thoughtless, calloused, RAPIST.

Two decades later I feel ashamed that this happened to me and only slightly relieved that others have lived this pain and yet go on – there is backhanded sisterhood here and it stinks for all of us who have been raped. It’s not a group we want to be part of. But I am here for you and if you are sharing a story – you are worthy, your experience is real, and you are amazing regardless.

— Survivor, age 45