Finding Peace

After watching Brave Miss World I was bawling. No one ever seems to understand the aftermath of rape, and how I wished that I had been able to see this when I was on the road of self destruction. I was a very young child torn between families and homes. This meant that it was easy for a vulnerable child to be abused. The home I was in was not the healthiest. Those family members ostracized me and seemingly did not notice the signs of what was happening. Maybe they didn’t want to. For years I was raped, beaten, neglected, psychologically tortured and abused. There are memories that I will never be able to erase. It started while I was too young to comprehend, 5. It came down to hurting me, was a way to hurt my other family members. Divorce can be a war. Somehow through all of this I survived, and shoved it to the back of my mind. When I got older and that age came around I began to go through the standard sex ed courses and understanding what sex was.

With that understanding came a mental return to those memories and what had happened with a self loathing that dragged me to the edge of darkness. I almost didn’t crawl out of that dark place, yet I came back from that too. It has been a road from the abyss to finding joy now. Life isn’t where I fantasized it would be, but I never imagined that there’d be any joy in it either. All I can say is that I forgave, not for him and them, but for me because I needed peace. And pity because who can be so blinded by pay back that they can torture a child to the point of forever affecting their life? This is a much abridged version yes, but I am now educated, finding my way in terms of career, and have another person that accepts me and brings me joy. The scars, memories, and some behaviors will always be there. Healing was at times painful, but there is light if you keep putting one foot in front of the other.