I sit here, purposefully alone, deciding what and how to Share.
Before I get lost, Thank You for Share Your story!
Okay, I’ll say IT happened. I always thought I was in control, not so much the It Won’t Happen to Me, as I am Able enough that He Can’t.
I have a superior vocabulary, but when I go to communicate what happened, it’s not so much I can’t say the R-word, It starts me in a path. Not proud of myself, I tend to get vulgar and profane.
I’ve talked about it with friends, and they pointed out that I have more than enough proper words for body parts involved, and actions performed. However, I used embarrassing choices with enough F-word, and graphic uses of other colorful words, that even my closest friends admitted they were disturbed. They accept that this is not the me from before it.
2 friends watching a sexy movie, the next door couple was having loud and squeaky bed relations, and I was leaning over enough so he saw my breasts plainly. Stage set.
I could have changed channels, changed tops, done what he wanted with my hand, though I could do little to stop my neighbors, and it would have cooled the situation down before it went so far. Went all the way.
He played the I had to, couldn’t help it, and didn’t have one cards. I took it internally.
He used to be a good friend, and still thinks he is. It was just something to do to him. I think that is a big problem. He apologized for ejaculating where he did, though not taking possession of my body part the way he did. This is a hard translated version of my mind!
I can’t discuss it without including alternatives, nor going through vulgar terms for it. Writing avoids some of that, and your Share forum is ideal for me. By now, I would had to explain in detail activity I’m sure everyone knows.
The not so obvious is that if we decided to become Friends with Benefits, even skipping the protection, because we were both turned on, I would be cool with it. Even F-you if you can’t deal with us F-ing! Excuse me for the backslide.
But we didn’t, or at least he didn’t. No for the handy should have stopped it all, but as he said, he Had to! I didn’t choose it, I just have to deal with it, physically and mentally. I always said I’d be fine if it happened, but I always imagined a stranger in a dark ally. When I go home, I sit on the same couch. I can make scenarios to change it, but they are fantasy, and rather sick ones, to avoid dealing, which I thought was easy for me.
You at Brave have made a Hard task Easier.
Thanks!
Bless!
— Toni, age 30
Dear Toni – thank you so much for sharing your story here. First of all, do not apologize for anything you wrote. It doesn’t matter what you were wearing or anything you consented to prior – what happened was NOT YOUR FAULT!! I know it can be really hard for some people to deal with details of what happened but I want you to know that there are people who can. The “stranger in a dark alley” situation happens, but rape by someone you know is actually much more common. I think if you read through the stories here you’ll see that you are absolutely not alone.
I would encourage you to find a therapist to talk to about what happened and what you’re feeling. When you find the right one – and it might take a couple of tries – they can listen to anything you need to talk about. Any details you want to share and dissect. Then you can use your friends for other support, but you should NOT have to apologize for talking about what you need to. A therapist can help you work through anything that is coming up and give you some coping mechanisms for the hard days.
Sending you lots of love, Alexis