My first encounter with molestation was when I was 5. I am a shy and quiet person by nature so I dealt with the game that she called “doctor” for years. It always made me uncomfortable but I kept quiet about it.
When i was 12, I was molested in my own bed by a family member that I had extreme trust for. When it happened, I assured myself that it was okay and he was touching me in that place by accident. This makes NO sense because he is an adult & moved his hand away when my mom opened the door.
I was 16 when I consented to have sex with someone that I was just getting to know. When I started to get uncomfortable, he told me he was almost done and wouldn’t let me move until he came. I sat there and took it, then he left me crying in a park at 3 AM.
A few months later, I was too drunk to walk home from a friends house. A boy that I just met offered to make sure I got home safely. I could barely walk so he put himself around me and proceeded to get underneath my clothing while I continually said “No, I’m too drunk.”
I was at a really dark spot at this point. I hated myself. I was suicidal and drinking to cover it. This led me to more bad places.
When I was 17, I ran into my neighbor and he said I could come over to do coke later that night if I would have sex with him. Being my drunk self, I told him yes. I went inside his house for the first time and up to his room. I took off my clothes and laid on his bed. After one minute of him being inside me I said “I don’t want to do this anymore” which is when he put all his weight on me. I was physically stuck there and I continued to use my words. I eventually started crying silently because there was no where to go. He leaned his head in really close and said “Baby stop crying. Why are you crying?” I still hear the creepy tone he used with me and that flashback comes everytime I cry. He came in me then got up. I was so shaky that it took me about 5 minutes to be able to put my clothes back on. I got out of his house as soon as I could. I got a rape kit and made a police report. His DNA was found on me but no charges were filed. I was to blame because I went into his house. I took off my clothes. It wasn’t statutory rape because he was 19 which is within three years of my age (that’s my state’s law). Why didn’t it matter that I used my voice and said no? Why doesn’t it matter that he left bruises on my neck from holding me down? Why was his family allowed to threaten and degrade me over the phone? Am I not allowed to change my mind? Once you say yes, there’s no going back when it comes to this topic. It’s his word against mine but he automatically got justice. There was no jury deciding if he was guilty or not. There was no debate. I was automatically guilty.
This was my rock bottom. This world scares me so terribly. I’m paranoid of the next time I’ll be assaulted. I’m sure most of you are the same way. My love and kindness goes out to the other survivors.