I went to university in Newcastle, UK. It was my fourth day of university and i was just getting used to meeting new people and getting to grips with being on my own and away from home. I had met some people during this time but the first person I met was a guy and we got on so well. I thought he was a really good guy and that we were friends. I didn’t want anything from him. I wasn’t looking for a relationship or anything like that. I just wanted a friend. Someone that I could talk to and turn to when feeling homesick and things like that. I was so wrong about him. He was everything that a girl fears when moving away from home. This fun, exciting adventure turned into a nightmare before my eyes.
It was during my freshers week and there was an event on at a local rock bar that I really wanted to go to but was uncomfortable going along so I asked my ‘friend’ if he wanted to go. He agreed. We went and had a really good night. He lived quite far away from where we were so I agreed to let in stay on my sofa in the living room of my flat. This was a mistake. I had gone to bed and he followed me, came into my room, and locked my door. The nightmare had begun. I was raped. He then stayed in my bed until the morning. I didn’t sleep and I couldn’t move because he said he’d kill me if I did.
This was 2 years ago, last month I finally told someone. However I feel that I can never tell my family what happened to me, not because they wouldn’t understand but because I fear that they will treat me differently. As if i am broken or damaged.
I have been suffering from depression, but trying to regain what was took from me that night.
I am a SURVIVOR.
I was at Newcastle 92-95. I got drunk many times, I was alone on a number of different occasions with different men. Sometimes I stayed in the same room, a couple times I stayed in the same bed, a couple times I even wanted to fool around but said no to penetrative sex. A few times I said yes to sex with a condom. Each and every time, I was never raped or scared. Because it is the man who rapes, not the woman who exists in his presence, who is to blame. Every time. It is not your fault. It was not your mistake. You are allowed to be in the presence of another person without being hurt. You are a survivor and never let anyone ever tell you you are the one who is damaged. If you knew how many times my actions left me supposedly “vulnerable” you would realise it was only bad luck you met a piece of shit that night. I believe you. You are still ok. Find peace in knowing you were never in the wrong, just the wrong place.
Thank you Lou for your comment, it means so much to me to read the words you left. I do find peace and strength in your support and kindness.
Much love.