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First Time

I always thought I would lost my virginity to someone I trusted whom I was in a committed relationship with. At 23, I was far from friends and family. I had become a little depressed so when a guy I had previously messed around with asked me to hang out at his place I went as to not feel alone. We fooled around again but this time he took things further. As he went to grab a condom all I was able to say was “I’m not sure.” He then asked had I not done this before and I replied that no I was a virgin. After he kissed me and the next thing I knew was he was inside me. At that point, I didn’t feel I was a virgin so I laid there and let it happen. Later on in the night I even asked to “try again” thinking my deciding the second time wouldn’t make it as bad.

I’m fairly sure he never put the condom on that first time and about a week later I found out he had given me herpes. I have a hard time accepting the events of that night. I blamed myself for not speaking up and have a hard time calling what happened rape. I’ve seen only 1 guy in the almost 3 years since this happened. I was able to disclose fairly successfully that I have herpes but admitting how I got it was a lot harder. I ended up saying something about non-consensual sex for my first & only time having sex.

It’s hard because I acknowledge that I still have a lot of trauma left from that night. I start crying and hyper-ventilating when a man touches me in a manner that might be sexual. The guy I was seeing ended things cause he didn’t know how to handle my baggage. I’m trying to work through this but it’s difficult when I don’t feel like I can use the label rape for what happened. I’m afraid though that this baggage of this first sexual experience and herpes will drive any man interested in my away. I feel like my future family will never materialize now because I’m broken.

— Survivor, age 26

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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