I always thought I would lost my virginity to someone I trusted whom I was in a committed relationship with. At 23, I was far from friends and family. I had become a little depressed so when a guy I had previously messed around with asked me to hang out at his place I went as to not feel alone. We fooled around again but this time he took things further. As he went to grab a condom all I was able to say was “I’m not sure.” He then asked had I not done this before and I replied that no I was a virgin. After he kissed me and the next thing I knew was he was inside me. At that point, I didn’t feel I was a virgin so I laid there and let it happen. Later on in the night I even asked to “try again” thinking my deciding the second time wouldn’t make it as bad.
I’m fairly sure he never put the condom on that first time and about a week later I found out he had given me herpes. I have a hard time accepting the events of that night. I blamed myself for not speaking up and have a hard time calling what happened rape. I’ve seen only 1 guy in the almost 3 years since this happened. I was able to disclose fairly successfully that I have herpes but admitting how I got it was a lot harder. I ended up saying something about non-consensual sex for my first & only time having sex.
It’s hard because I acknowledge that I still have a lot of trauma left from that night. I start crying and hyper-ventilating when a man touches me in a manner that might be sexual. The guy I was seeing ended things cause he didn’t know how to handle my baggage. I’m trying to work through this but it’s difficult when I don’t feel like I can use the label rape for what happened. I’m afraid though that this baggage of this first sexual experience and herpes will drive any man interested in my away. I feel like my future family will never materialize now because I’m broken.
— Survivor, age 26
Dear survivor, trauma can make you feel broken, especially when you still experience symptoms of the trauma in your personal relationships. I want you to know that there is no rule that requires you to call this experience rape. You can call it whatever makes you feel comfortable about it. The story is yours and the journey is yours and you will work through it in your own time. As far as driving away a man, I can tell you this. Any man worthy of your love will not be driven away. You are beautiful inside and out and this experience, nor the herpes will drive good people away from you. In fact, anyone who would walk away is a fool. I have no doubt that you will fulfill all of your dreams and aspirations. You are not defined by this experience, so in time I hope you can find that it is a part of your story, but not who you are. I’ll keep you in my thoughts….