First Time

When I was 14 years old I was raped by the friend of my friends older sister. He was 19.

We went to a party, being underage we were offered alcohol by him and his friends, however we couldn’t get the drinks from the bar ourselves. Because of this I had no idea what I was drinking. I was told it was a cocktail, and for a 14 year old this sounds exciting glamorous and grown-up.

After two I was so drunk I couldn’t stand. My friend’s older sister took me and my friend home and put me to sleep on the sofa. Her parents were away and so about 10 people were staying in the house that night. My friend was asleep on the other sofa next to me. I fell asleep. At some point I was a little bit sick, on the floor next to the sofa, and fell back to sleep.
I woke up in shock from the piercing pain and weight of him on top of me. They had come home after, the other girls going upstairs to sleep and him and his friends coming to sleep in the living room with us. By the time i woke up he had already removed my pink princess pajama bottoms and forced himself on me. I was so shocked I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak. It was dark but I could see the shape of his head moving above me, and his sweaty arm was across my chest, pressing down stopping me from moving. I remember moving my head to the side, because I thought I was going to be sick again, and I saw that there were 4 other people in the room, their backs to us “sleeping”. I made a small scream, I wanted to get their attention, and he put his had on my month and told me to be quiet. I tried to tell him I was going to be sick to make him stop but he wouldn’t. When he finished he got up and went to sleep in another room, pushing against my chest to prop himself up and off me. I don’t know how long I lay there for, but I remember trying to listening to the breathing of the other people in the room, to see if they were asleep or awake. At this point I was mortified and embarrassed that this awful intimate moment had happened with people in the room. I was scared that they had heard.

Eventually I got up, i went to the bathroom and discovered all the blood. My pajama bottoms were ruined, I cried silently as I cleaned myself up. I was sick again, but this time not from the alcohol. It was 7:30 in the morning, I waited until 8 and then I called my mum, and asked her to pick me up. I told her I had period cramps and I needed to come home.

I confessed to my mum one month after what had happened. She cried and I will never forget the look in her eyes, or having to do a pregnancy test at the age of 14 with my mum, waiting for the results in my kitchen and she cried and told me if I was I had to get something called an abortion. Something I didn’t even know existed until that moment. Staying silent for one month was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, because I knew nothing about sex, I didn’t understand anything, I was scared afraid and alone.

My ‘friends’ told me that he had told everyone he had sex with me. When I tried to explain I didn’t want to I was told I was drunk and I didn’t know what I was talking about. I have never spoken to any of these so called friends again.
In the months and even years that followed my relationships with men have been difficult and it is only 10 years later after becoming a teacher and having students of 14 years old that I can finally accept that it wasn’t my fault. I was a child and he took everything away from me, affecting my sex life, if not forever, for the past 10 years, and most importantly taking away my virginity and innocent teenage years where holding hands with a boy should be exciting, something which after my rape used to make me feel physically sick until about the age of 17.

Last year he got married, and this month his wife had a baby. He has a son now, I hope his son never grows up to be like his father, and I hope his son knows how to respect women and act appropriately.