I have never shared my story before in detail. I have told a couple close friends that I was raped but I can tell by how they react that they don’t believe me or it makes them uncomfortable.
I had known the guy for a few years, his family was close friends with my family. This was our first time hanging out one on one, we had been flirty before and we were flirting a lot that night but I never expected to have sex especially because he was seeing someone else.
We were drinking and he kept saying that I needed more because I wasn’t tipsy enough. We started making out and that went on for awhile but then I sensed that he wanted to have sex and I freaked out because I didn’t know if I wanted that! I remember saying that we shouldn’t do this and it wasn’t the right time or place, I was thinking that he must think me an idiot because I was near tears, he stopped kissing but only to shush me and keep going. After that everything is very foggy, I just froze up and let it happen. I prayed he would stop or something would happen to stop him but it didn’t. I think at one point during the assault I laughed but I don’t know why. Afterwards he left very quickly and I felt so numb inside, I felt no emotions and I remember waking up in a cold sweats that night.
I still blame myself because I didn’t fight him or scream for help and I did end up having sex with him on several different occasions after that. Oddly enough the cold sweats happened after each of those other times as well. SoMaybe he has no idea that it wasn’t completely consensual? And maybe I am and I was just asking for it but I’m glad for a chance to get this off of my chest at last.
— Survivor, age 23