Forgotten Memories Submerge

I’m 21 years old, but my story begins from when I was 6 years old. My parents were not really involved in what was going on in my life, and simply, not interested. I was sexually abused spanning from age 6; 10; and 11. The incidents from when I was 6 and 10 are still vague to me, and I don’t often have much flashbacks from then.

When I was 11 years old I was raped by my 6th grade teacher. Because I had a shaky family life, I guess he noticed and realized he had found his latest target. He befriended me early into the school year. I didn’t have many ‘nice’ teachers, so for me I actually fell for the rouse almost instantly. He would often times call me to stay back a bit when it was time for break, and simply ‘chat’. He seemed so easy going and ‘cool’, that I would sometimes let slip if my family situation was really bad.

About 2/3rds into the year there was a class outing ‘camp’, lasting for a week. I had never been away from home much, and especially not for that long at a time. On the 4th night there, I felt homesick and started crying. One of the girls in my ‘dorm’ heard me and asked what was wrong, I mumbled about feeling homesick. Unfortunately she misheard me and thought I had said I was feeling sick. She then walked with me to the teacher’s ‘dorms’, each teacher having their own room. She knocked on our teachers door and when he opened explained that I was feeling sick. He stood for a moment, looked at me, then told the other girl to go back to the dorm and invited me in. That’s when things went sour.

He sat me down on his bed and gave me a glass of water, from which I took a sip and gave back, and sat down next to me. He then asked me what was really wrong- so I said I was feeling homesick. After I said that he put his hand gently on my shoulder and said he was like that as a kid too, all the while reaching his hand more around me. He said he knew something that would help, that I must relax and follow what he said. He started touching my upper body and then took off my pajama top. After a bit he stood up and took off his pants. He sat down again and said it would only help if I followed what he said to do. After making me lie down flat on his bed, my head on the pillows; saying again I had to do exactly what he said for it to work and make me feel better. Once I was lying down flat, he took off my pajama bottoms, I was left completely naked. Every time I tried to protest he would say ‘Hush, Relax, You’ll enjoy it’. He got into position on top of me, spread my legs, and make his first push into me. I made a sound in pain and he quickly covered my mouth with his hand. ‘Hush, relax, this will help’ he said continually as he pushed more and harder into me. When he was done, he took his hand away from my mouth, kissed me on my cheek and told me that I should feel better in the morning. I wouldn’t feel too sad, I would be fine. He kissed my one breast and told me I was very good, that I was a ‘special little thing’. He pulled me up and told me to get dressed, while he put his pants on. He walked to the door and unlocked it. Just before he opened he turned me to face him and lifted my head to meet his eyes. Squeezed my upper arms and told me that it was our little secret, that it was a special secret thing that I must never tell because people would be angry with me for telling. Opened the door and told me to go back to my dorm quietly.

To this day, the only person I have told this to is my fiance. He also knows about the 2 other incidents. I don’t really open up to people, but I had to just, talk about it to someone, hence I’m here. I don’t really trust people anymore, but I still find myself ‘soft’ in some instances. I have never been able to outgrow the ‘easily push able’ person I have been since a child. I also still have the feeling of guilt, that those incidents were my fault somehow, I can’t explain why, but that feeling is still there. I guess I think that I could have done something more to stop it, made more sound than I did, not allowed him to get me naked on the bed, anything really. But, I didn’t… It’s still something that haunts my mind, and it’s resulted in me not being able to fall asleep on my back. As soon as I start dozing off, I can still feel his weight on me, the feeling of him in me, and his hand clamped around my mouth.

— Survivor, age 21