When i was about 7 or 8 years old i was raped by my neighbour, Richard Grounds. I was sexually abused by other neighbours in our area and neither my parent nor my big sisiter ever noticed a thing. when I was 14 I went with a friend, what I considered my best friend at the time, to her boyfriends friend’s house. I don’t remeber her leaving. she never said goodbye. she didn’t take me with her. I was 14 and left alone with at least two men who were 40+. the man who called himself Mentor (hate that word now) came into the room where I was in bed, he climed in on top of me and started to push himself inside me. i cried and told him no, i told him to stop, that i was a virgin and that I didn’t want to. I remember his nose dripping on me while he was raping me. I was disgusted and I felt dirty. I remember another man walking in and wanting to ‘take his turn with me’, the tiny piece of luck was that my rapist told him to leave me alone. Even more disgusted with myself I was thankful to him for stoopping the other man. I was tormented by the memories and i needed an escape from my feelings. I developed an eating disorder, I found myself binging to escape the nightmare that my life had become and purging to get rid of all the terrible memories I couldn’t escape. I spent years trying to get over what had happened to me, all the while never talling anyone what I had been through. I finally snapped and screamed it out one day. After that things seemed to be getting better. I went for counceling, I got treatment for my eating disorder, but still I was in pain and so angry. I thought it would be good to talk to someone who knew what i had been through. Or so I thought. I went to a place called FamilyMatters, who claim to help adult and child victims of sexual assault. Unfortunaly it was one of the worst move I’ve made. The woman I went to see made me feel terrible, worthless and vunerable. And I was very vunerable, I just didn’t know it yet. I spent the next few days trying to figure out what I’d done wrong to feel this way. Unfortunaly in this time I met a man named NEIL. A disgusting parastie of worm that groomed me and deluded me into thinking I’d made a friend. A real friend someone who I shared intrests with and who I could talk to openly, even about my history of abuse! Little did I know thst Neil was just bidding his time, saying the right things and planning his rape. I started to get an uncomfortable vibe from him over time, so I sat on the couch with him that night and I told him. directly to his face I plucked up the courage to say I don’t want to have sex with you. I felt better like the tension had been lifted. I was wrong! He went upstairs, got in the shower and continued talking to me. I don’t remember how he got me into his bedroom but before I knew what was happening he was pulling at my underwear and I was saying no, no, no, NO again and again. He didn’t listen. he forced himself between my legs and his penis into my mouth. I was praying the whole time for him to be done and to let me go. please don’t rape me I thought as he put himself inside me, I creid, I begged, I blacked out. the next thing i rememeber him saying was ‘oh you really do feel bad’ as if he was suprised by this! he told me how much I enjoyed it andf when i could move i scrambled away. Not far enough as he pinned me down to the bed and continued raping me until he was finished. he took a towel and cleaned up, I don’t remember saying a word I just got my clothes, got dressed and got out. I felt to guilty and ashamed and stupid for letting it happen to me as an adult I was 29 and I thought I was a strong woman. I felt like that vumerable little girl all over again. I was so terrified of being blamed that i cried alone in my bedroom for days while my boyfriend sat just feet away. I reported Neil to the police anonamously, including his occupation as a coke dealer in the report, and I wonder ever day if he’s been punished for what he did to me and probably others.
This is the first time I have ever been able to put down all of my experiences into words. I am immensely greatful to have a safe place to share my story and release some of my deamons.
Thank you to everyone who helped start this site, those who shared their storied in support before me and all the love in the world to all those who will be comforted and saved by having a place to regain hope and begin to reconnect to the good people and parts of life.
— Amy, life long survivor
Amy – You are a STRONG woman, and you are NOT to be BLAMED – the opposite – you are a helper and saver and comforter to your fellow humans. You could not help being attacked by an evil criminal but you are making mincemeat out of his butt by being a HERO! Keep up the good work!
Dear Amy – thank you so much for sharing your story here. I am incredibly grateful that you feel safe here and honored to be a witness to your story. Please try not to judge your feelings about the man who raped you stopping the other man when you were young. You were in a traumatic and scary situation and while it might feel like you knew what you were feeling, emotions get really complicated when you’re under that kind of stress and panic. What happened to you when went to Neil’s house – it wasn’t your fault. None of it was. But when you’re making a friend and they seem trustworthy, it’s really the best you can do. You can’t suspect that everyone will hurt you or you’ll never open up to anyone. I’m sorry you had a bad experience at the center but – if you can – I would encourage you to talk to a therapist or a counselor (can you go back to the one you saw before?) to help you work through everything you’re feeling. You deserve to heal and regain the hope and good parts of life you talk about at the end of your post. You’re worth it. Love, Alexis