I go to a small college in the northeast, and my freshman year I was at a party at one of the sports team houses. It was only October, and I had a group of friends at school and all, but there was also a kid from my high school that went there as well. We were pretty friendly, we studied for a midterm together a couple weeks earlier, and I ran into him at the party. We we’re talking and whatnot, but I was pretty tired and had to be up early the next day for a meeting. He lived in the same building as me, just 1 floor directly below, and offered to walk me back.
When we got to the dorm, he asked if I wanted to hang out and I told him i should really get to bed. He insisted I come inside and chill for like “10 minutes” so I went into his room. Then he started pulling me into him and kissing me and grabbing my clothes, and I kept saying “I need to leave, I have to go.” I’d try to get to the door and he would pull me back onto the bed and say “no don’t leave.” He pinned me to the bed and threw my dress across the room. I wasn’t very drunk, but I’d had a couple drinks earlier in the night and couldn’t comprehend what was happening. He pulled off his shirt and pants, looked in his drawer for a condom, didn’t find one but pinned me down saying, “It’s fine, I’ll pull out.” He pinned me down with his legs and was choking me and it was horrible. Ever since, I’ve been paranoid that I have an STD from him, and how could I explain an STD?
It was horrible, but eventually I got to leave.
Then a couple weeks later, my floor was throwing a party, and he came upstairs and came into my room and pinned me on my bed. I’d had a couple drinks, and this time he didn’t even bother to take off any clothes, mine or his. He finished inside me, and then realized I was crying and left me there. I had to take the morning after pill.
When I finally got the courage to tell someone I’d gotten close to about it a couple weeks later, they kept pressuring me to report even though I told them I couldn’t relive the experiences or do it and that it was too much. That reaction might have sent me into a downward spiral as much as my assaults. It’s been 2 years now, and I’m doing a lot better than I was, but it’s still something that I can’t ever get away from completely
— Survivor, age 21
Dear survivor – thank you for posting your story here. I’m so proud of you for speaking up about what happened to you. I’m even more proud of you for following your gut about reporting. It’s SUCH a personal decision. I am sure the person was just trying to help you – I don’t doubt it for a second – but taking care of yourself is most important. I’m glad to read you’re doing better and I hope that you have found people to support you as you heal – friends and/or family and/or a therapist. It may be true that you won’t ever forget what happened but healing can happen. It’s not easy work but I believe in you!! Love, Alexis
i am so sorry you went through that. i want you to know that was not your fault. you did not deserve it. life will be tough sometimes but please keep going!