Friends??

I’m so nervous to tell my story. I’ve been raped 3 x’s by guys I thought were my friends and I trusted. One used to be a cop. Sorry this is so long. The 1st time I was raped I was at my 1st party. I was 21, just moved out of my moms, and never drank alcohol b4. I didn’t know anything about it and drank what my cousin/best friend was drinking, but apparently I drank too much. I remember falling asleep in a room and then being woken up by my boyfriends best friend. He said that he wanted to take me into another room that was dark, so I could sleep. I didn’t answer and he 1/2 dragged 1/2 carried me into another room that was pitch black and laid me on the bed. I passed out and woke up because I couldn’t breath. When I opened my eyes, I realized why. He was raping me and had his weight on my chest. I immediately said stop and no. I tried to push him off of me, but I was so weak. I had no strength at all. I couldn’t scream or yell. He kept telling me to shut up and to “shhh”. I passed out a 2nd time and woke up to a bright light. I thought someone was there to help me and stop him. I couldn’t sit up or even speak above a whisper. I looked towards the light and the person just walked away. I remember he jumped off of me and slammed the door shut and I passed out again. The 3rd time I was woken up by my boyfriend standing over me and he kept saying “where are your clothes?”. I couldn’t answer and passed out again and the last time I woke up my boyfriend was raping me and kept saying “kiss me just kiss me” and I passed out for the last time. I didn’t tell anyone for a while because it took me days to remember things and when I did I went straight to the Dr and got checked for pregnancy and std’s. Everything’s was negative. I stopped going outside because afterwards I was labeled as a whore and a slut, but I had just lost my virginity a few weeks b4 and had only been with my boyfriend. We broke up of course. I would only sit on my stoop by my front door and a guy named Angel started to sit with me everyday. We became great friends. He would stand up for me and just laugh and joke each day. I thought of him as a brother. He had a small party a few months later and I was invited. There was no alcohol. We just watched movies, laughed and joke with a few people. At the end of the evening I noticed that everyone was leaving, so I started to leave too and Angel stopped me and said that he knew I wasn’t sleeping well because of my living situation and I could sleep there and he would make sure I got up in time for work. I hesitated, but told myself that he’s never given me any reason to doubt or fear him and I went back into his apartment. I was so tired that as soon as I laid down I was falling asleep. No one was there, but us. I didn’t have any reason to be scared of him. I laid under the cover on one side with my jean s on and buttoned and everything on. He laid on top of the blanket on the far side. I remember feeling him move around and I thought he was just trying to get comfortable. All of a sudden he yanked the blanket off of me. I turned towards him and said “what are you doing?” and he didn’t say anything, but I saw that he was naked. I instantly felt so stupid for not listening to myself and trusting him. I tried to get up, but he grabbed me and pushed me back down on the bed and straddled me. He started trying to pull my jeans down, but they were still buttoned and buckled. I kept trying to get up and begging him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He completely changed from the nice friendly guy to a monster who wouldn’t say anything. He just kept trying to get my clothes off. We struggled, but he yanked my jeans off and it hurt scraping across my skin. When he got my jeans off, he was at my feet and I kept trying to get up and kick him at the same time. He grabbed me and spread my legs. I was begging and pleading with him to stop. He just looked at me and said “I’m sorry I have to” I begged him not to and told him he didn’t have to. I was pushing him on his chest, but he wouldn’t move. It was like trying to push a brick wall. He started raping me and didn’t say anything else. I kept trying to get him to stop. I was kicking, begging, pleading and pushing, but he wouldn’t stop until he was done. When he was done, he went into the next room and I heard talking. I heard them say “You smell like sex. You fucked her didn’t you?” and I heard him high fiving and laughing. I felt like garbage and two inches tall. I knew then that he had set me up just so he could tell others that he had “sex” with me too. I waited until I didn’t hear anything else and grabbed my clothes and left. I went outside and cried for hours, but I didn’t tell anyone. I told one person about the 1st rape and I was laughed at and told it was my fault, so I kept it to myself. After that, I didn’t go outside unless it was to go to work until I was able to move. I moved with my cousin and a roommate. He was a cop and everything was fine for a while. One night we all decided to watch “Amityville Horror” and drink. It was fun at 1st. We all were laughing and joking. I felt fine. I didn’t drink a lot or even feel tipsy. My cousin went to her room and laid down. I wasn’t tired yet and asked if she was coming back out. She said she was, so I went back. I went into the room adjacent to the one he was in because I didn’t want to be by myself with him. I tried to listen to my gut instinct then, but all of a sudden I was so exhausted that I couldn’t make it back to my room and had to lay down where I was. I went from being fine to no energy to put one foot in front of the other. I passed out on my stomach and woke up on my back. I woke up and had to pee so bad, but I couldn’t sit up. I asked for him to help me to the bathroom. When I got to the bathroom and pulled my pants down my underwear was on wrong. I had two legs through one leg hole. I instantly knew he did something to me, I just didn’t know what exactly. I looked up at him and he had a look that I’ll never forget. It scared me so badly. I went to my room and told my cousin that he did something to me and all she says is “I know”. I asked what did she know and she wouldn’t say, but said that no one believed me. I cried, so hard I threw up. I wanted to go to the hospital and report it, but I knew I was drinking and I didn’t think anyone would believe me or nothing would happen to him. I started to remember things. I remembered he turned me over and pulled my pants down, he spread my legs and raped me. Then he pulled my pants back up and left me on the floor. I remembered being able to feel EVERYTHING. I couldn’t speak, open my eyes or move. I had to lay there and feel it. I just took a shower and tried to forget it, but I missed my period. I found out two weeks later that I was pregnant. He told me one time afterwards that “I’d better watch how much alcohol I drank or he would rape me again”. I never saw him after that, but I was going to keep my baby, but my baby passed away at 20 weeks. I’m sorry this is so long, but thank you for reading my story. I would like to hear from others and how they cope with it. Thanks again 🙂