I was friends with benefits on/off again with the guy I lost my virginity to. He raped me after I finally told him I wasn’t interested in that sort of relationship anymore, I had enough of his hot/cold behavior towards me. He would randomly break things off with me when I developed feelings and call me crazy and turn our mutual friends against me, but then come crawling back months later saying he was sorry and didn’t mean what he said. This was a cycle that repeated twice. Eventually I knew I deserved an actual relationship and told him that when he came back the third time junior year. I thought we would stay just friends after, since he would sit and talk with me after that and always knew just where to find me. I should have known it was a red flag when one conversation he asked if he can pay me for sex in money, then asked what about love? I told him no, not for anything and he called me cold hearted. At another point, my memory is fuzzy, but I remember him asking what would happen if he had sex with me against my will and I told him I would not like that at all. I didn’t think he would actually follow through.
On exam day since I had nowhere else to go for an exam I was able to exempt, I thought it would be better to go to his house than sit in the cafeteria for 2 hours when he told me he exempted his at the same time. His house was walking distance from school so we were just going to hang out there. He had other plans, however, and stuck his hand down my shirt when we got there. When I pried his hand away, he pushed me toward the bed and pinned me down, taking my clothes off. I tried to kick him but he caught my kick and forced himself between my legs to keep them open. I figured at this point if I left marks to fight him, he could have easily just say I tried to attack him because I was crazy and mad he won’t date me or something. He pinned my wrists down, and when he felt I stopped trying to fight he pushed me into the bed even harder.
I don’t remember how long he was inside me, but he took his time. When he was done he walked me back to the school and sat with me until my ride got there.
The worst part? There was another exam the next day I was able to exempt from at the same time as him, so I asked to over to his house again, this time hoping he would apologize. Instead he tore my clothes off and pulled me on top of him, holding my wrists together so I couldn’t push away.
All I wanted was to just be friends since he was pretty okay to talk to, but it was too emotionally draining to deal with his hot/cold feelings because I need someone stable who won’t make me feel alone and then come back out of the blue only when they want something. I guess you could say I went back the 2nd time was to hope he would feel bad and apologize or make amends, and we would be friends. After turning all of our mutual friends against me twice in a row, things get pretty lonely.
He stalked me afterward, always hanging out with his friends by my locker or the doors I would exit from class. He would track down all the alternate paths I would take and still find me, to “just happen” to be in the area. He even found a girlfriend after I started dating someone else, would stand nearby me with her in tow, and tried to make friends with my small circle of friends.
I didn’t report the rape, because who would believe the crazy girl that he broke things off with? It’s not like people will believe he was the one to come crawling back all those times, I’m apparently crazy so people would think I was having wishful thinking.
Sometimes he will happen to be at the same beach in the area we live in, or at the same nightclub. I still go because I’m not letting him keep me from enjoying my life. I’ll admit I’m not sure what he’s thinking when he looks at me. He was staring right at me in the nightclub and wouldn’t take his eyes off me, I didn’t know he was there until I looked around to see who was smoking a cigar. I tried messaging him on Facebook a couple years ago, telling him what he did was rape and he could have just found himself a girlfriend instead of doing that, that we could have just been friends and left things at that. He called me a psychopath and said I’m obsessed with him, that it was high school drama and he’s sorry that I thought it was rape.
I’ve tried many different ways to cope, the only thing I can’t get over is why me? He wasn’t ugly and he was pretty okay to talk to, he could have found another girl to date or something. He could have had consensual sex with someone else, there’s nothing special about me. It’s been 10 years and those are questions I will never have the answer to. I still feel his hands on my wrists to this day. Watching 13 Reasons Why, I saw 100% me in Hannah except I didn’t commit suicide although I wanted to. I definitely saw a change in society these last few years, how people speak out against their rapist and that even if the justice system fails, society is the one rapists have to answer to. I don’t know if he even thinks what he did was wrong, but my wish is that he always feels the need to look over his shoulder and worry if I will report the rape someday.
— Mary, age 27
Dear Mary – thank you so much for posting your story here. First of all, what happened to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!! It doesn’t matter that you went to his place or that you had a relationship of any kind before. He had no right to touch you without your consent, which you clearly did not give. As far as reporting the rape… I think we are definitely hearing a lot about people facing consequences for sexual assault. But having said that, I think that what’s more important is that you find ways to heal. I would encourage you to find a counselor to talk to about what you’re feeling. Still feeling his hands on your wrists and trying to understand why someone would behave that way are normal but a therapist can help you manage through those things and heal and move forward. If you decide that you want to report it, a therapist can guide you through that as well. Please know I’ll be thinking of you and you are not alone. Sending you love and support, Alexis