From Grief to Trauma

I started having sex when I was 18 years old. About 3 years ago, I lost my best friend in a car accident, and I stopped having sex. On Nov. 27, 2014, it was a party only for my classmates and the class above mine. A guy from the other class and I began to talk to each other about school. I did not know him, at least not very well. I wanted to just let down my hair and have a little fun, I was thinking that “it has been 3 years after all, maybe it’s time?”. At the end of the night, we both agreed to go to my place, and we were going to have sex. The moment we entered my room and the door was closed, he changed. I was no longer a girl he had been telling to about school, I was meat. I didn’t think to much of it to begin with, but it got worse and worse. He haw really drunk, I didn’t drink as much as he did. He went to the bathroom, naked, because he refused to take any cloths on. He was gone for about half an hour, and I was so relieved. He didn’t hurt me, at least it didn’t seem like he was trying to intentionally, but everything he did hurt, I thought “ok, maybe this is just really bad sex”. He was so drunk he couldn’t find his way back to my room, that’s why he was taking so long. I lived with some other girls, I was told the day after that he went into everyone’s bedroom and woke them up since he couldn’t fine me. One of the girls was trying to help him look for me, but he didn’t remember my name or even how I looked like. Yes, he is still naked at this point. He eventually found him self back in my room, and he was trying to get me to have sex again. I said no. Stop. Don’t touch me. I don’t want to. Let go of me. He didn’t care. I was meat. He grabbed my foot and spread my legs. At this point, I was too scared to do anything anymore. The girls I was living with was awake, why didn’t I yell or scream for help? Why didn’t I kick or punch him or push him away. I could’ve stopped him, right? I was too scared. I didn’t know him, I didn’t know what he could do, he seemed to me like he could be violent if I didn’t do as he wanted.

I’m diagnosed with PTSD and I have major trust issues. I don’t like to be touched, I get annoyed and scared easily, I lock the door to my bedroom to make sure no one get’s in while I sleep, I’m scared of having sex. Sex has become separate from romance, and I’m not able to be in a relationship right now.

I was not in a happy place when I met him, but I was just recovering, and he ruined my life.
I’ve told my mom, and a few of my friends. Some of my closest friends don’t understand what I’m going through, either they don’t understand what PTSD is or what it really means. I feel so alone.