I have such a long list of incidences where I was violated, throughout my childhood into my adulthood….I can only drudge it up in small doses..
1975 San Gabriel Valley, grade 1 walking home from school:
I was gang molested by several boys; one of them had a baseball bat and it was made clear that I would be hit on the head with it, if I did not comply with their demands; I was frightened. The worst part, was the ring leader, L.B. lived just up the street, from my me, and we had been child friends since diaper-hood..
the latest # is “why I did not report”; I did not have to report, everyone knew and I was to blame; since the boy L.B. lived up the street, he continued to be integrated into my neighborhood community of kids; we played together and with other kids as if he had not hurt me; at the same time the looming message from my peers and the adults who looked the other way was: ” you better not let this happen again; boys will be boys. It was the elephant in the air of every bike ride, baseball game, hide n’ seek, tree climb, relay race,etc.
We did not have the ” term slut shaming”, but this I was. I had no friends at school and was viciously bullied, up until high school when I went to a private catholic school- the school was located far from the city I grew up in and despite the long bus ride, I had a fresh start with girls who were not privy to the rumor mill. These girls loved, despite how odd i was to them, me and I had more friends than all of the prior school years combined.
During my HS freshman year, I moved in with my father and step mother, so I had the advantage of living in a different neighborhood. Also fortunate was that a boy from my elementary school (we had both been bused to elementary school) live across the street and was my best friend, protector, very much like a brother….without him, I never would have thought that I could trust any man.
At a party, in my junior year of high school, I ran into L.B. (ring leader, incidence above) I was extremely drunk; I never left the corner of his eye the entire night; he even helped me off of the ground a few times; at one point he tried to say that what he and the boys had done to me should not have happened; in my inebriated state and because I had been so damaged, I didn’t let him absolve himself or maybe I was not ready to offer absolution…
This is one part of the picture, but a very significant part, in many ways the hardest part- how do you hold another child accountable as an adult?