Going to be His Girlfriend

I always told myself that I was going to wait to have sex, wait until I was married or at least until I was definitely ready. At sixteen years young that option was taken away from me. I remember this day too clearly and I hate that. When I was fifteen years old I met this boy on my summer visit with my mother. He lived in our neighborhood and I thought he was pretty attractive. Whenever I saw him I would get butterflies. I was a very shy girl back then and very awkward when it came to the opposite sex. I was never the type of girl to engage in sexual acts with guys at such a young age. So I gave him my number that day and went on my way. I anxiously awaited his text message or call but it never came. I really believed that our liking for each other was mutual so I didn’t understand why he did not respond back. Days and weeks went by and there was still no contact from him. I decided to look on myspace and add him as a friend. It took for ever to find him but I did. As soon as I added him he sent me a message. We began talking from there. I asked him why he never hit me up and he told me he had that very same day we met. I asked him what number he texted and he told me…. I noticed he texted the wrong number. So from then on we talked everyday all day long. I really began to like him a lot. Eventually summer was over and I was back home up north. We still stayed in contact with each other though. I was moving to live with my mom the winter of 2011 and was hopeful for me and the guy to get to know each other more. One day I had went for another visit down south to the same neighborhood. We decided to meet up. He invited me to his house to watch movies. I asked him if his mother would be there and if that was okay with her and he said yes. So I agreed and walked over. When I got there he let me in and walked me to his room. Quickly I noticed his mom wasn’t there. I began to feel uncomfortable because some thing just didn’t feel right. But despite my feelings I went along with it. We sat and watched tv in his room and just talked, it felt really nice. I began to become comfortable in his presence. Then he kissed me, I didn’t see anything wrong with that. After a while of kissing he began to unbutton my pants and I started to freak out. I said “no” several times and pulled away but I was only 5″0, 100 pounds and he was 6″6 and about 185 pounds so my pulling away did nothing. It seemed as though he didn’t take that into consideration. As much as I fought he managed to get my pants off and then underwear. I begged for him to stop all he said was “relax”. I couldn’t relax, I just couldn’t. He began to penetrate me and I just felt helpless and lifeless. I had kicked, pushed, and pleaded and nothing seemed to work. I kept saying no please stop. Once he was done I grabbed my clothes and went home. I felt so dirty and so hurt. I hopped in the shower and wouldn’t get out for a while. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to tell. I was really was at a complete loss. When I got out the shower I had text messages from the guy such mean messages. He was calling me all kinds of names, and threatening me and my family. Thats when I knew I had completely lost. For five years this has been my biggest secret. I constantly have flash backs to this day. I blame myself so much for it and I wish I could make it so it never happened. Losing my virginity this way has changed me completely!

– Survivor, age 21