Graduation Night

I didn’t even know if it was rape, and I still question myself every time the memory Is brought from behind the barred door. It was afer graduation, I was kind of upset that me and my family had went to some restaurant that I hated for my important celebration dinner but I still tried to make the most of it by staying optimistic about the place. Well to make matters worst I hated my food and didn’t even eat. Then the place had to close within 20 mins of arrival and we didn’t want to keep them waiting. So we left early. The whole time I was texting my quote on quote best guy friend. Letting him know how bummed I was my dad didn’t make the reservations like he was supposed to at the restaurant we went to for my 8th graduation for my high school one kind of wanted to relive that memory. So he let me know he wanted to make my night better and that he was going to be back from a party in a hour or so and that if I went over we can hang out on the roof talk about old times and look up at the stars. Sure usually that’ll give me the red flag in my mind. But since it was my best guy friend I figured it would be like an old 80s movie with a happy ending of the two friends staring up at the stars ready to take on the world of new adventures and that would of made the perfect ending of my own high school chapter. But when I got there he said it was to cold and that we should stay inside and watch a movie, I didn’t want to make things weird so I said sure sat on a chair by the desk and he sat on the bed. He then said I was being really weird and that we were just friends to just sit on the bed. We’re just friends no reason to make it awkward. But then he tried kissing me and I pushed him away. I asked him why he was doing what he was doing that we had a terrible fallout when we tried making something of us and that we both agreed to just strictly being friends. He then apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again, but then he tried kissing me again he got on top and held down my arms and I was furious. I kept saying no and he just kept trying to pursue me. Then I told him I was going to leave. But then he backed off and he told me that he heard his parents being up and that he would get me out asap so he left me in the room alone. I was terrified. He came back and said I couldn’t leave yet cause he thought he heard them up still. Idk why I cared at that point if they knew some girl left, that was his explanation he would have to deal with not mine. But I still cared for him as a friend in that moment I was to confused to think logical. I knew what he had wanted and I felt the only way the night could speed up and be over with was for him to get what he wanted. So he led me downstairs and I felt nothing, It was like I was watching it in third person I was so stiff and I couldn’t feel anything. No emotions no recollection of the sexual act all I can remember is waiting to get out the window. He walked me back it was the most silent walk ever and he walked ahead of me the whole time at the corner of my place he didn’t even stop to say anything he just kept walking on. That is the only slightest confirmation I could tell that what happened wasn’t okay and even he knew of it and was to coward to even look at me after. But I still look back and can’t help to think that it was my fault I should of been stricter I shouldn’t have given in. I was so lost and still am. My best friends that I told, we’re the ones to name it as date rape. But I just don’t know to be honest.

— Survivor, age 17