The first time I had sex, it was with someone I worked with. I thought I was ready, but as it was about to happen, I realized I wasn’t ready. I tried to tell him no, he held my hands and pinned me down and he forced his way in even though I kept telling him no. I groaned in pain and started bleeding, then he realized i was a virgin. He finally stopped. I was bleeding and was in a lot of pain for the next few days. I didn’t think of it as rape at the time, but instead I felt ashamed that he had to find out I was a virgin (I was 24) I went back to him a few days later because I wanted to convince myself there was something more than sex, and that there were real feelings between us but he just wanted to have sex again. This time I didn’t resist. I let him to whatever he wanted with me for the next few months. He was never mean to me, never hit me or left marks on me but the whole experience felt rough. I was always in pain afterwards. And clearly all he wanted from me was sex the whole time, there was no love in it. Was I assaulted? I don’t have nightmares like most and I went on with my life and rarely thought about this whole experience. Sexual assault or rape didn’t cross my mind until I read a lot of people’s stories and thought about my own recently. I do wonder if this contributes to my issues with self-esteem and trouble with sex.
— Survivor, age 31
Yes, it was rape, and it was NOT your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Men have no more excuses, No means NO – end of discussion. Pinning down the girl’s arms and forcing her to have sex when she is saying no is a very bad criminal act. He has probably done it before. Many survivors feel the same as you – they might stay with the rapist because of low self esteem. Please try to talk to someone about this. I can tell you from experience that even when you are older these experiences never leave you.You deserve a loving good man and you will find him. You are strong and good – stay strong !
Dear survivor -thank you so much for sharing your story here. I won’t define your experience for you – just because it’s not my place to do that. But it’s NEVER ok for someone to touch you or do anything to you without permission. That includes instances of consent that’s given and then revoked. The truth is that there’s no one way that you have to react to being raped or sexually assaulted, nor is there one way that it happens (as you probably noticed from the stories). You don’t *have* to have nightmares or bruises. Having said that, it wouldn’t surprise me if your issues with self esteem and sex are tied – at least in part – to your experience. I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist who can help you work through those issues, no matter what part of them is tied to your experience. . Sending you lots of love and support!! Alexis
You do not have to have nightmares or reactions to rape, sometimes you just feel nothing, and that is okay. A lack of reaction does not mean that what you experienced wasn’t rape. Yes, to hold someone down and forcibly have sex with them is rape. You clearly said no and he didn’t listen. He’s the one to blame because he’s a sick, twisted man. Have a great day and take care!