She was my babysitter, and I don’t know if I can recall every instance. It happened over a span of two years. I was a toddler and for awhile I knew it had happened but pretended it didn’t. It helped that my mind had forced most of the memories away but recently for reasons unknown they show up. She touched me, made me touch her, and let her boyfriend watch. Once she got me to make out with her little brother who was the same age as me, at times her boyfriend participated in the actions. What hurts the most is she used to tell me she loved me, and I believed her. She used it as a way to punish me for doing bad things, because she was my babysitter. She used it as a way to reward me too, sometimes I hated it but even grosser. What I know for sure is ever since my life has been a mess. And I can’t stop thinking about how maybe, I deserved it for being a terrible person. She always told me afterwards how gross I was for liking it or how gross I was for crying and being upset. No matter what I was gross, and I can’t get the word out of my head. I feel gross.
— Survivor, age 17
Dear survivor – YOU DID NOT DESERVE anything that your babysitter did to you. It’s not your fault and you aren’t gross.
Sometimes brains can keep things locked away but – I think – brains get tired. So maybe something in your life provoked your brain to start remembering things or maybe it just got tired. But no matter what you deserve love, help, and support. I would encourage you to talk to someone. Maybe a therapist or even a rape crisis hotline. Or a friend/family member who you really trust. Remember that it’s your story and you are in control of what you tell, when you tell it, and who you tell it to. Sharing with others can relieve some of the burden you’re feeling and help with the “gross” feeling. Because I promise you… you aren’t gross. Love, Alexis