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Halting The Pain

It’s taken me 30 years to be able to face what happened to me, let alone be open about it. I have spoken about it since about a year or so only with a few people, and the hardest thing to do, and the only reason I do not go public with this, although I know it would be healing and could help others, is that I do not want to hurt my parents, who do not know about it. I don’t want them to suffer the knowledge of this; they are so loving and protective.

At 15 I was at party with a boy from high school that I was dating and a friend of mine from high school. I do not remember too many details, as I have only recently recollected the memories that were repressed, due to alcohol and that something was out in my drink to make me pass out. But when I started to feel dizzy I tried to find my boyfriend and he had gone somewhere. The party was at his house. My friend, Bernadette, had also disappeared, perhaps went to get something at the store. A group of me, they were older, and I think friends of the young boy’s older brother, surrounded me and were teasing me. Then I tried to run away into some trees and slipped on the mud. I feel and hit the left side of my head and body. The drug started to take effect and I could barely move. I felt them lower my jeans and underwear and started to look at me and touch me. They dragged me to where there was better light. I could not move! I was so humiliated and frozen in fear, too.

Then I heard my boyfriend came back and started yelling and threw some white lawn chairs, and lifted me up by my arms. He dragged me away and pulled up my panties and jeans and then took me to his pick up truck. All the way home, I was still dizzy and felt so sad, but mostly I felt a huge fear in my torso area. He kept saying to me while he drove me home, “Just forget about it; just forget about it.”…etc etc. I felt a lot of shame in the weeks following and the photos of me in that time show that I developed quite a bit of swelling and acne in my face. I could not feel anything in my lower sexual organs for years. I always had difficulty feeling good there, and only since last year have felt that my body “came back to me” 100%. If that makes sense. A lot of pain and depression has come from this, and I can see how much now. I didn’t want to remember this. But now that I have it feels more freeing, but it still makes my heart tremble. Most of all, I was angry at all the years of sexual fulfillment that this took away from me. And I hope that I can find happiness in a true relationship now that I am in my 40s. Please pray for me.

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