Happy Hell-oween

I was 20 years old, invited to a party on a Southern California Marine base. My cousin invited me, her boyfriend was in the service. so I figured that it would be fun and safe. I was excited, I bought a new costume and got dressed up.

When I got there, everyone was drinking. So as any college student, I started to drink, too. We were having fun and I was with family. I started to feel weird and now my night is playing like an old film. Time is moving, but it’s going too fast and I’m missing big parts of it. I kept saying no, I don’t want to, I don’t want to do this. The last thing I remember is being in a car. He asked if I was crying. Of course I was crying, I was a virgin and I told him I didn’t want to do anything.

When I woke up, my cousin was gone. I was in a strange place, I was sick and disoriented. I had no idea where I was. I was strewn across the floor, like trash. I grabbed my purse and left barefoot. I didn’t even know how to get home. As soon as I found my car, I started to process what happened. I was in full panic mode. I hurt, everything hurt – everything. I knew then what happened.

I lost my virginity to a stranger, because he drugged me at halloween party. If I knew then, what I know now, I would know that just because they protect our country, doesn’t mean they’re safe. I never filed a report, because the police told me it wasn’t worth it and I would never really get a resolution.

At 29, I still deal with shame. I still cry. I’m still afraid. it’s impacted my life deeply and I trust no one. What I have learned is that it wasn’t my fault and it was wrong. My guilt is unwarranted and that’s what I keep telling myself.

— Survivor, age 29